The Dentist is the Devil

I hate the dentist. I like him as a person but professionally, we do not get along. I hate him so much that I am eating a Twix bar right now just for spite. I had my six-month cleaning appointment today, as you might have guessed.

Dental appointments for me are dreaded with a fear like no other. I still cannot believe that I managed to have braces for two years in high school. The orthodontist is just slightly above the dentist on my list of least favorite people.

I refuse to sit in a dentist chair without inhaling large amounts of nitrous oxide and with my iPod blasting in my ear. Yep, I said nitrous oxide – even for a “simple” cleaning. Here’s my brain while in the chair…ok, just focus on the music…sheryl crow, allison krauss, james taylor, nirvana….john mayer wants to marry me…50 cent doing ballet…pearl jam is giving a private concert in my office…norah jones marries 50 and they have beautiful babies together…focus on the breathing…the hygienist tells me that the deeper breaths I take thru my nose the more sweet sweet nitrous I will get…I mumble, I know this you moron and she says, well I can’t tell that you’re even breathing at all…oh yeah, sorry, I am so tensed up that I am holding my breath and wiping sweaty palms on my wool pants…I’m disgusting…deep breaths…now focus on the teeny holes in the tile ceiling….remember in high school when the guys used to throw pencils into the ceiling trying to get them to stick…look into the harsh fluorescent light and try to blind yourself…ow!…you bitch!!…watch where you put that tool of torment lady!!!

My friendly relationship with the hygienist lady has now gone sour. Miss Hygienist and I were having a perfectly cordial conversation during the x-rays. But once she starts her sadistic scraping and that sound grates in my head, I am mentally calling her every bad name I know. She nags me – have you been dry-brushing, have you been flossing, have you been using a rotary toothbrush, have you got your wisdom teeth removed yet? Shut up and quit trying to separate my gums from my jawbone. And what are you doing turning that gas off when you still have to floss me???

Finally it’s over and the nitrous is replaced with oxygen. Too bad. I make up with Miss H and trot down the hall to faithfully schedule my next appointment.

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