Archive | August, 2007

the hunt

31 Aug

This weekend I must don my strongest armor of indifference, cast away my sensitivity and self doubt and go on the hunt for that most elusive of beasts. 

A flattering bathing suit. 

Ok, that’s probably asking way too much so I will even settle for a semiflattering bathing suit that doesn’t involve a skirt of some kind.  Or gives me prominent wedgies.

Ahhhhhh, can you hear me screaming already?!?! 

I know the summer is almost over and I’m a bit late to the game on this but vacation is coming up and I just gotta do it.  I haven’t bought a bathing suit in years for what I think are some very good reasons.  To be honest all the possible reasons one might need a bathing suit are missing from my life. 

Number one, I don’t know how to swim so what’s the need for a suit?  I was never around water as a child except for that one time at 4-H camp where I took about two swimming “lessons”.  These were really nothing more than throw the kids in the water and see if they can float torture sessions.  I kid you not, on the last day of camp we had to jump off the diving board and make our way to the side of the pool in any manner that we could.  If we made it without drowning we were considered to have passed the class.  What?!?!  Personally, I decided that the best route out of the murky depths was by flailing my arms and legs wildly while bargaining with dear sweet Jesus that if He helped me get out of this pool alive I would never ask to go to camp again.  It worked and I lived to drown another day.  That experience seriously scarred me forevermore.

Number two goes hand in hand with number one – I don’t even like the water and am borderline phobic about it.  And now you know why.  But another reason I don’t like the water is my unnaturally strong fear of SHARKS!   I remember watching Jaws as a kid and seriously freaking out.  I don’t know if it was because I was already afraid of the water or because I’d never considered how frightening sharks could actually be until seeing that movie.  Whatever the reason, I become a snivelling bucket of poo if I get more than knee deep into the ocean.  Needless to say, Discovery channel’s Shark Week is anathema to me.

Number three, I hate how I look in swimming attire, of course.  In my opinion, unless you have a super toned bod, no one looks good in a bathing suit.  Could they have invented a more unflattering garment you think?  Every one I’ve ever worn has done a fabulous job of squishing the boobages flat while at the same time accenutating the tummy.  (If I could just get the opposite effect we’d have a winner.) Not to mention that swimsuits give me chicken legs and I really don’t have them under normal circumstances.  Really I don’t.

Number four, I don’t like the sun or laying out because I don’t tan.  In fact I do the opposite of tanning.  It’s sad really, to go about the hot summer days in one of two ways, both of which will get you odd looks.  Wearing pants when its 100+ degrees outside or sporting bright red limbs because you attempted to go out in shorts and be like, a normal person only to succeed in turning into half lobster, half human.  It’s a catch 22 really.

After all that you might be wondering why we are going to the beach, where there is hello, WATER!, and yes, SUN! all over the place.  It’s because in spite of the above, I love the beach and the ocean.  Especially in the evenings just before sunset, at sunrise and at night.  Go figure right?  I love the calmness of it, the lulling of the waves, the beauty of the sky, the sounds, the whole vibe.  It refreshes and revives me. 

So tomorrow if you see some girl crying in the middle of the mall outside Everything But Water, just back away slowly.  It’s just me, trying to find something besides this to wear to the beach. 

UPDATE: 

Success!  I found a very cute and comfy suit at Swim ‘n Sport at Opry Mills.  Best of all, it was half price!

a couple of things

31 Aug

So I was wondering today…must we put everything “on ice”?  Is this strictly a Disney thing?  I saw an ad yesterday for High School Musical – ON ICE!!!  Woot.  I’m pretty sure I’ve seen ads in the past for The Lion King – ON ICE!!! and Dora the Explorer – ON ICE!!!  And I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we’ll see Hannah Montana – ON ICE!!!  What is the fascination with that?  I’m hoping this bizarreness stays with the kiddie stuff and doesn’t spill over to grown up movies…can’t you just see it now…The Godfather – ON ICE!!!, Ben Hur – ON ICE!!!, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – ON ICE!!!  Although I might actually pay to see Transformers – ON ICE!!!

And do we have to announce when the big announcement is going to take place?  I’m talking about Fred T’s big announcement that he’s going to run for Prez.  It’s like those gas pump instructions telling me where to look for the real instructions for pump operation.  Like I need that.  Why stop at announcing the announcement?  Why don’t we also announce when the announcement will be telling us when the big announcement is coming as well?

It’s Friday and my brain is fried.

finally!

30 Aug

I’ve never been so thankful to see it rain before, ever.  It made me smile and think of these things.

•  The Morton’s salt girl.  One of my favorite logos of all time (my advertising background coming out) and I remember we always had a box of it in the cabinet at home as a kid and I have a box in my own kitchen right now. 

 

•  One of my favorite poets as a child and even still, RLS. 

The rain is raining all around,
It falls on field and tree,
It rains on the umbrellas here,
And on the ships at sea.

Robert Louis Stevenson

•  The Bible verse, Matthew 5:45
“….for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”
I can never hear or read that verse without adding the phrase, “and sometimes, it just rains” to the end.  I remember my dad saying that and it always made me laugh.  Still does. 

sending the wrong signal?

29 Aug

I almost complimented a lady in the restroom stall next to me on her uber fabulous chartreuse heels today.  But then it occurred to me that she might be an undercover cop wearing magnificent footwear and what if that was the signal for soliciting lewd acts in a public restroom?

So I didn’t. 

exasperation

28 Aug

I am truly baffled that some people in this world have made it this far in life without getting their asses handed to them on a platter due to their attitudes and how they treat other people.  How have they gone this long without someone with more gumption and honesty than me telling them that they are acting inappropriately and that this is the reason you have no friends and why no one wants to be around you?  Until someone tells them straight up, they will never be able to see that this is how it is because they are already wearing blinders to accentuate their case of severe tunnel vision.  They are clueless to those around them and clueless to how they come off to other people.  Not realizing what they are doing is no excuse.  “That’s just the way they are” is getting to be a tired and tattered mantra for those who should know better by now.

Happy Birthday Scout!!!

27 Aug

Today is my friend, fellow blogger and fellow Weakley Countian, Scout’s 26th birthday! 

In her honor, here is a Finn original…. 

There once was a young blogger named Scout
It’s her birthday today there’s no doubt
She loves hockey, baseball and all kinds of sports
She hangs out with Finn, they have fun of all sorts
As for cheese, she would please do without!

Now, go check out her fabulous piece of the internet and wish her a very Happy Birthday! 

Do it.  Now.  Go on!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOUT!!!

Canine Pomp and Circumstance

27 Aug

With a huge sigh of relief and thunderous applause, Cooper graduated from puppy obedience class this afternoon. 

On the way over I thought the Coopster looked rather debonair and urbane.  Especially with that briefcase next to him, like he was going to trade stocks on Wall Street or something. 

After standing outside of PetSmart for 20 minutes trying to get Coop to pee, he finally obliged and we were able to go into the ring.  We even introduced him to his very first fire hydrant to try to encourage the flow but he was not to be seduced by the faded red and blue metal contraption that means “PEE HERE” to most other dogs.  The Accountant and I decided that he was trying to hold it just long enough to perform his signature squat in the middle of the store and do his business in the cool of the air conditioning and ambient glow of flourescent lighting, just to watch us have to clean it up while people chuckled as they walked by.  He’s done that twice before and I think he thought it was quite funny.  But we were not to be outsmarted on this important day of days and we refused to go inside until he relieved himself properly in the crunchy brown grassy area by the parking lot.   The Accountant and I are pillars of discipline I tell you.

 

We were afraid there might be some sort of final exam but the majority of class time was spent practicing what we’d already learned.  Cooper can now do the following depending on how much he really wants the reward treat…sit, down, leave it, drop it, stay, loose leash walking, come and, my personal favorite – he will dramatically fall down dead on his back when we say “BANG” and shoot him with our fingers pointed in the shape of a gun.  (Violence really is everywhere these days isn’t it? heh.) Consistency is an issue with all of these but we’ll keep working with him and at least we now feel like we know what we’re doing with training on the basics.  I think our greatest achievement with him has been that we can now take him into the store around other people and dogs without him going into convulsions of frantic mad squirming and completely uncontrollable fits of utter joy at the sight of all the obvious glories that a visit to PetSmart entails.  This in itself was worth the money. 

The ceremony was a grand affair with four dogs in attendance.  Two “students” were no shows.  Pictures were taken (as you can see), cheesy certificates were handed out, speeches were made and graduation caps were provided.  Just like at my high school and college graduations come to think of it.  Humph. 

 

From L to R – Kiera (boxer), Ike (Australian Shepherd), Seymour (Bloodhound), and Cooper (Labrador Retriever).  And I have no idea what the dog owner’s names are.   

Next stop, Intermediate Level.  We’ll make a PhD out of him yet.

 

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