This weekend I must don my strongest armor of indifference, cast away my sensitivity and self doubt and go on the hunt for that most elusive of beasts.
A flattering bathing suit.
Ok, that’s probably asking way too much so I will even settle for a semiflattering bathing suit that doesn’t involve a skirt of some kind. Or gives me prominent wedgies.
Ahhhhhh, can you hear me screaming already?!?!
I know the summer is almost over and I’m a bit late to the game on this but vacation is coming up and I just gotta do it. I haven’t bought a bathing suit in years for what I think are some very good reasons. To be honest all the possible reasons one might need a bathing suit are missing from my life.
Number one, I don’t know how to swim so what’s the need for a suit? I was never around water as a child except for that one time at 4-H camp where I took about two swimming “lessons”. These were really nothing more than throw the kids in the water and see if they can float torture sessions. I kid you not, on the last day of camp we had to jump off the diving board and make our way to the side of the pool in any manner that we could. If we made it without drowning we were considered to have passed the class. What?!?! Personally, I decided that the best route out of the murky depths was by flailing my arms and legs wildly while bargaining with dear sweet Jesus that if He helped me get out of this pool alive I would never ask to go to camp again. It worked and I lived to drown another day. That experience seriously scarred me forevermore.
Number two goes hand in hand with number one – I don’t even like the water and am borderline phobic about it. And now you know why. But another reason I don’t like the water is my unnaturally strong fear of SHARKS! I remember watching Jaws as a kid and seriously freaking out. I don’t know if it was because I was already afraid of the water or because I’d never considered how frightening sharks could actually be until seeing that movie. Whatever the reason, I become a snivelling bucket of poo if I get more than knee deep into the ocean. Needless to say, Discovery channel’s Shark Week is anathema to me.
Number three, I hate how I look in swimming attire, of course. In my opinion, unless you have a super toned bod, no one looks good in a bathing suit. Could they have invented a more unflattering garment you think? Every one I’ve ever worn has done a fabulous job of squishing the boobages flat while at the same time accenutating the tummy. (If I could just get the opposite effect we’d have a winner.) Not to mention that swimsuits give me chicken legs and I really don’t have them under normal circumstances. Really I don’t.
Number four, I don’t like the sun or laying out because I don’t tan. In fact I do the opposite of tanning. It’s sad really, to go about the hot summer days in one of two ways, both of which will get you odd looks. Wearing pants when its 100+ degrees outside or sporting bright red limbs because you attempted to go out in shorts and be like, a normal person only to succeed in turning into half lobster, half human. It’s a catch 22 really.
After all that you might be wondering why we are going to the beach, where there is hello, WATER!, and yes, SUN! all over the place. It’s because in spite of the above, I love the beach and the ocean. Especially in the evenings just before sunset, at sunrise and at night. Go figure right? I love the calmness of it, the lulling of the waves, the beauty of the sky, the sounds, the whole vibe. It refreshes and revives me.
So tomorrow if you see some girl crying in the middle of the mall outside Everything But Water, just back away slowly. It’s just me, trying to find something besides this to wear to the beach.
Success! I found a very cute and comfy suit at Swim ‘n Sport at Opry Mills. Best of all, it was half price!