self analysis

I love long weekends.  Its the aftermath that bites.  Quick synopsis of the weekend’s events….I found a cute swimsuit, took Cooper to the dog park, bought him a kiddie pool (Do.Not.Laugh.), watched the Vols get beat and grilled out with the fam.  It was nice. 

Rehashing my lovely weekend is not the purpose of this post however.  As some of you may know or have gathered, I’m interested in psychology; the “why we are the way we are and why we act the way we act”.  So of course, my personality test in the post below got me to thinking about myself.  I got all introspective to go along with my introvert I guess.  It’s not that I feel I have to defend myself against a goofy personality test that would give me a different score tonight than it did the other day because I’d answer the questions differently as I’m in another type of mood tonight than I was then.   Less of a people hating mood I guess.  Heh.  But I think the test got it pretty much right overall.  I am an introvert, that’s for sure.  I am a dreamer, a feeler, thoughtful and sensitive.  When I read the analysis of an INFP I think, yes, that is so me.  Or is it mumbo jumbo?  Am I making it fit me just like a daily horoscope will fit anyone who wants to believe in it?  Regardless, it makes me stop and wonder about myself and look back to see how much I’ve changed and hopefully grown over the years. 

I’ve never been one of those people who is comfortable in a room full of people that I don’t know.  I’m definitely not someone who enjoys going to large gatherings of strangers.  It was a struggle for me to attend all the networking events required of a business major in college.  I had to force myself to attend.  I do much better in one-on-one situations.  Excuse me while I self-diagnose here but I think part of it, or a lot of it, is some degree of social anxiety disorder.  Depression and lack of confidence also play a part sometimes.  Or maybe I’m just….shy….gasp…now there’s a dirty word. 

I’ve always been a sensitive soul. I was always the “quiet one” and that used to bother me a lot. But now, I relish it. I like sitting back in a meeting or anywhere there is a group of people and just observing. I’m a people watcher. I notice things others might not because I pay attention to subtleties. Expressions, body language, tone of voice. I read people well.

A dreamer? Most definitely. I fantasize about joining the Peace Corps and running off to Romania to help children in a clinic somewhere. Teaching English in Thailand. Walking off the job, never to be seen again until my novel is published to great adulation and fanfare. Traveling the world on my own terms. I long to create art that makes people think. I want to be fulfilled in my daily life, make the world a better place, do something meaningful. I daydream. I have no time, at least in my mind, for practicality or mundaneness.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, “A man should choose a friend who is better than himself. There are plenty of acquaintances in the world; but very few real friends.”  I like this quote because I can relate.  The few people I consider close friends are just that, close.  I do have many acquaintances and that’s well and good, but I also have a few close friends and these are the people who are most important to me.  There are only a very small handful of people who I think know me, and I mean REALLY know me.  I don’t give of myself to many people but those that I do, I give a lot of myself.  Does that make any sense at all?   

Where am I going with this?  Apparently not to Romania.  Whatever my dreams, I’m happy with me these days.  And my introverted self too.

That’ll be 5 cents please.

2 thoughts on “self analysis

  1. Great post!
    I admire you because you have become comfortable in your own shoes. You’ve learned who you are and you don’t try to change it. I still sometimes find myself wanting to gouge out the eyeballs of people who use the “s word” (shy) with me. The way you describe it, though, makes it sound a whole lot better.
    Uh, I don’t have a nickel. Take a rain check? Hey, it is raining right now!

  2. Um, I probably should have mentioned that Cameron shredded his kiddie pool about an hour after I bought it…..I’m going to post video one of these days.

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