You know how Newscoma has her “Autobiographical Pauses”? I need a jazzy name like that for posts like this. If you think of anything, pass it along and maybe I’ll adopt it for my personal FinnQuirk ramblings. Oh wait, maybe I just said it – “FinnQuirk”….I kinda dig it. ‘Coma, mind if I steal your numbering system?
I did something stupid today. And it stressed me out all day. But as usual, The Accountant made me feel better about it. I guess he’s used to my goof ups but it still bugged me. And then, probably somewhat related to the stupid thing I did, I found out that a stranger that I’ve only talked to twice for less than five minutes sees me as a “passive person who has trouble saying no”. The sad part about that is that it is true. Apparently I’m so transparent that someone I don’t even know can classify me in that way in only a few minutes.
I hate that about myself. In my mind and in my journal I’m this bold, don’t mess with me, bad ass chick who doesn’t let anyone run her over or take advantage. Then I go and do something that totally contradicts this self perception and is probably much closer to the “real me”. Ugh, it’s very annoying and solidifies my theory that the way I see myself is not how I really come across to other people. It’s like when you hear your voice on the answering machine or see a picture of yourself and you just can’t believe that’s what you really sound or look like. But there’s no denying the evidence – you really DO have the thickest Southern accent known to man and you really ARE carrying around 20-30 more pounds than you thought you were.
I think I’ve gotten better in the assertiveness department over the years but sometimes I do something that makes me want to kick myself for being so gullible, weak, and/or just plain not smart. It’s something I need to work on.
I’ve heard that when you have kids that you become more assertive because you want to do what’s best for your child and everyone else be damned. That could be good for me. We’ll see.