this is painful, don’t even bother

First a random baby note: Sam can sign “hungry”, “thirsty” and “brush teeth”. It’s quite cute and quite handy. Except that she like to sign “brush teeth” a LOT. I think she’s just in love with the taste of the Elmo toothpaste. Can’t blame her, it is yummy.

I’m just going to go ahead and apologize for this post. I just re-read it and visably winced. But I’m not deleting it. Because this is my space and this is how I’m feeling right now and for all the grumbling, its real. So there. Bite me. Cheers.

I am struggling to get through this week. Mentally I’m less “here” than usual. I guess it’s the upcoming vacation which I am SO excited about, but ya know what, I’m already thinking in the back of my mind about having to come back here. Why do I do that? Why can’t I just enjoy the moment in the present? I hate that about me. It’s like when I was younger and would get so excited about Christmas. And yet I always knew in the back of my lil’ brain that the aftermath would be a downer for me. There’s all the build up build up build up, and then it’s over. I guess that’s why I always need something to look forward to that’s outside the routine. Not a quality I’m proud of but it’s one of MY qualities nonetheless. And we are trying to accept things as they are right? I think I said that recently but am too lazy to provide you with linkage.

With that said, I’m hoping vacation will be relaxing and mentally productive. I always say that I’m going to take time during my time off to figure things out so to speak. (I should really be in a soap opera with all my dramatic ramblings). I guess that’s what I always hope for, that I’ll go away somewhere for a week or two and come back with my career crap figured out. I’ll know exactly what I want to do with my life and how to go about it. And yet, this never happens.  I mean, do you know long I have been bitching about this? Years people, years. I’m sick of it and I know everyone else is. I go to the beach or wherever, lounge around, eat a lot, read a little, veg out a ton, and then come back home to the same ol same ol. I thoroughly enjoy the temporary change of scenery though which is nice. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I really don’t know what my point is with this.

Ok, here’s a question for you. Should I go back to school or not? I pretended to be a grad student for one brief semester, which may not have been the best timing since I was knocked up and what was I thinking, that I could go to school AND have a baby? ‘Cause I gave up one of those things and we all know which one it was. And why am I even entertaining the notion of going back? Boredom? Yep. But is that all? Shouldn’t I have some nobler goal than mental stimulation? But I don’t really. I don’t have a “five year plan”. Maybe I just like the idea of it? Because I can guarantee you that once I re-enroll and actually start going back to classes that this blog will once again be my forum for moaning and groaning about how impossible the course is, blah blah blah. Rinse, repeat. So I dunno. If I figure this one out over vacation I’ll let you know.

Can you tell that I’m feeling whiney and blah today? Oh well. Lunch hour is over. It’s back to the pits.

2 thoughts on “this is painful, don’t even bother

Add yours

  1. Go ahead and try 1 class. Maybe you can afford more daycare for Sam?
    Also, AAUW offers a grant for women going back to school like you. Hunt around their website AAUW.org There are other good grants and fellowships that provide extra money that could be used fore expenxes like for childcare or even enough to take off some time from work. You want to create, I know. Go for it and recognize the delicate balancing act that’s needed is rewarding in the end for you and for your child.

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