I have this thing. Whirly brain. I have to be up in a few short hours and yet, my head won’t turn off tonight. I’m thinking of places I want to go but can’t, work, kiddo, house stuff, a new tattoo, dancing, running, crying, laughing…
I am quite certain that I need to stop comparing myself to others as it never ends well. And maybe this sounds weird but occasionally I will run across someone, a friend of a friend, an acquaintance or whatever, and I think that I just want to BE that person. Its always because they are doing things that I want to be doing myself, or have an attitude or mindset that I want to cultivate in myself. For example, I just read about so-and-so who I’ve seen but don’t know personally and she is doing such-and-such and pursuing something she wants and I want to do the same. So I try to figure out what she has that I don’t. What makes her the ambitious driven one and me, well, not that.
It sounds totally crazy to me even as I write this but its true. In my head I tell myself that if I want to do something or be something, just effing DO it or BE it and quit thinking about it and envying it in other people. I give myself the best advice that I don’t take. And then there are the excuses…they aren’t in the same situation as I am, they don’t have a child, they don’t live where I do, they have more resources, more confidence, are prettier, skinnier, more outgoing, more coordinated, smarter, know the right people, have more money, blah blah blah blah. Excuses. I am full of them.
Why can’t I stop thinking and just do it? Shut up and just freakin’ do it. Its got to be a matter of being happy with yourself/myself and not playing this game.
Then there’s the annoying hesitation that I always have about posting about the bizarre inner workings of my brain here. Its so much easier to post a picture of the kiddo or tell you what I did over the weekend and spew my angst in other places where I feel my readers (or my sock drawer) might be more open and less judgemental of a crazy person trying to find her way. And that in itself irritates me.
And now we’re just rambling.