What’s that saying about never letting anyone determine your self worth? Something like that. I make mistakes. Sometimes the same ones repeatedly. And there are times that I feel like I have imparted grace to others in multiple instances but don’t get that same consideration given back to me when its my turn to screw up. It is what it is.
I am not an inconsiderate person who hurts others intentionally, and it is hurtful when it is insinuated that I am. There are reasons people do the things they do, reasons they act a certain way, underlying causes. That doesn’t necessarily make them right but its a fact. My therapist is always telling me not to feel guilty for my feelings. I have them, they are there, they don’t go away just because I or someone else wants them to. Feelings are feelings and you have them, you can’t help it.
This is not about trying to justify actions or be some sort of martyr figure. I mess up. I say things that I shouldn’t. Lash out when its unreasonable and illogical. I regret it later and am sorry and will say so. And then I try to work on that and improve myself. Therapy is not a cakewalk folks. It is raw, and difficult, and takes guts. And I rehash the same issues over and over again in sessions. But I am trying. I am doing my best. That’s all I can do.
But enough about all that.
My parents sent me and kiddo a package the other day…my mom must be reading my blog because she sent me a journal to log all my dysfunctions. There are quotes throughout, mostly sarcastic which suits my personality, check-boxes to choose your vice for the day and space to write out the crazies. Hysterical. But probably quite useful.