Archive | September, 2013

Long morning ride

29 Sep

092813_Bike_RideI got 21 miles in this morning on Trekster. It felt amazing. Perfect weather, perfect scenery. The only thing that wasn’t perfect was my sore tailbone but that’s a small price to pay for cheap therapy.

Speaking of therapy (am I awesome at segues or what?), mine went well the other day. I’m feeling better after, as well as thanks to some great friends I’ve been able to hang out with lately. I always seem to come out of those black periods and be ok until the next one hits. So I’ll ride this wave as long as I can. Its all I can do.

Dr. B asked me some great questions, which I couldn’t answer definitively at the time but they sure gave my brain a workout thinking about them. One was “what are you getting out of x situation?” and another was “Do you really like running?” She meant literally running by the way. Many times I try to force myself into being (or trying to be) something that I’m not, but I try to put a round peg in a square hole because that’s what I think I SHOULD do. She also told me that someone was talking to her about Burning Man the other day and she immediately thought of me. It has always been on my bucket list and she strongly recommended that I look into it and/or other festivals and events like it and participate in one within the next six months. It does seem an appropriate compromise to abandoning ship and running away to Timbuktu eh?

And I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a self analysis. To sleep for me.

Ciao.

 

in which i am a major downer

24 Sep

I wonder if those who’ve passed on can watch us, the ones left here. Are they shocked at the difference in someone they knew in life because they can now see how they really are in death? Can my grandma see me? And not just see me, but know what I’m feeling and thinking? Can she see my inexplicable sadness these past couple of weeks? Sometimes I wake up and remember that she’s gone and its like a surprise that I have to adjust my brain to again and again.

My sadness hasn’t been 100% due to her passing although that is part of my melancholy. I’ve been in one of my “black” periods, to be quite dramatic about it. Sleeping a lot, missing a bit of work, not socializing, shutting myself off, irritable, snippy, crying, lackluster. A good ol’ bout of old fashioned depression I guess. For a combination of reasons that are better left to my therapist’s ears during tomorrow’s visit than for me to lay out here. Feeling like I’m just taking up space, unfulfilled, not challenged, useless, second best, less than, etc etc. All the pathetic pitiful lame things. I feel wretched even typing this. Like, what is wrong with me??? Freakin’ crazy person, that’s what.

When this happens at its worst, I nearly cease to function. I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I have no motivation for anything but what I absolutely have to do to get by. I haven’t been eating well and exercise has been non-existent the past few weeks. I’m currently thinking that I won’t even bother with the 1/2 Marathon that I was training for. My heart isn’t in it anymore. That makes me feel like a failure. Again.

Kiddo has been pushing my buttons lately. She is severely attached to me. Like, I can’t go anywhere without her. She doesn’t want her daddy, she wants me. It’s sweet and endearing until I can’t remember who I was before being a mom anymore and am on the verge of running away. Really running away, not just to the grocery. Yesterday I finally put my foot down and went for a drive just to escape the responsibility. I came home to news that she had sobbed herself to sleep calling for me. My tombstone is going to read, “She lived every day trapped by guilt for one reason or another. Even when she fled to the grocery store for some peace”.

The mommy thing isn’t all bad of course and I don’t mean to insinuate that at all. We spent a great day at the zoo and at her best friend’s house, we went to her first Titans game, the ballet, rescued a turtle with a chopped off leg, yada yada. She’s funny and sweet and loving. The bad doesn’t last. It’s like the pain of getting a tattoo. The pain lasts until you think you can’t stand it anymore and then it stops, is soothed and then starts over again. But while the needle is poking you, over and over again…you wonder what in the hell you were thinking.

And I wish I could explain it all better. I know my impatience with kiddo is a by product of my mood and other things that are going on. That’s not fair to her and I try not to let her see it although I’m not always successful at that either. The Accountant doesn’t get it. Doesn’t understand why I’m just not happy, why I snap at him and kiddo, why I just start crying for no apparent reason. Basically, I’ve been a royal pain to live with lately.

I had a dream this morning. I was running. Through fields, up hills, through forests, in between weird blue crosses, along the beach…dodging cars and people…running fast and strong and free….I came to a path up a steep hill alongside the ocean. Instead of running along the beach, I choose the uphill path. I could see a sparkling city skyline over the top of the crest and I was running towards it as fast as I could. And then my alarm went off and I cursed the interruption. Always reaching for something that I can’t ever seem to obtain.

for my brother

5 Sep

Happy Birthday! This sounds like us, doesn’t it?

It snowed last year too:  I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.

– Dylan Thomas

Also, we need a more recent picture of us…we both look WAY cooler now. Love you!

BenJenCollage

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5 Sep

Just a quick check in as its been a few days since I’ve posted. My grandmother passed away a few days ago so its been a difficult week. A difficult couple of weeks actually. I want to post about her. Soon.

Besides attending funerals, life is also otherwise busy. I have an old school planner that I use to semi-organize my life. Which basically means it barely keeps me from descending into chaos, but whatever. September is filling up quickly. Football games, lunches with friends, doctor appointments, a fashion show, birthday parties, kiddo’s school activities and deadlines, volunteer work, etc. But I like busy, most of the time.

The End.

 

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