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Therapy: On Feeling Better

25 May

My latest therapy session was a good one. We spent a lot of time talking about simply wanting to feel better and using that as motivation rather than relying on a number on the scale or the size of my pants to dictate my mood.

I’m feeling all of my 42 years plus about 10 more these days. I shouldn’t struggle so much to get up off my kid’s floor, be winded after climbing a few stairs, or be so stiff that I have to literally roll off the bed and hobble to the bathroom because my joints haven’t “warmed up” yet.

Realistically, the goal of having a taut, lean body are long gone. I’ve lowered my standards and they are twofold.

1. Feel better physically overall.

2. Belly less protruding than boobs.

That’s legit it, and I really don’t think this is unachievable. Until I actually try to do it. I sounds like the cliched broken record here but, do you know what I had for dinner tonight? Leftover pizza and raw cookie dough. I KNOW that is not going to make me feel better physically and yet I do it again and again and again. Which tells me that this is more of a mental struggle than anything. Conquer the mind and you conquer the body, right? So how does one do that? I have zero clue and thus the cycle continues.

Dr. B and I talked about just focusing on doing fun things that I enjoy and that are active. Indoor rock climbing and cycling came to mind. I’ve done both and enjoy them, as much as I’m going to enjoy any physical activity. A further stretch is getting back into a dance class – maybe belly dancing even. I mean, I already have the belly so I figure I have a head start on that one.

I dunno. I tend to think that I should have this figured out by now and I feel really dumb for still struggling with this stuff at my age. I’m trying to ward off an impending funk but all I can think about as I stuff junk food in my face is how I’m getting fatter and fatter. Which carries over into my confidence in other areas and down the rabbit hole we go. Maybe there will be pie at the bottom.

Photo by Bekir Dönmez on Unsplash

2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

feet frustration

25 Aug

The best laid plans…

CaptureI seem to fail a lot. And this time it’s not even because I’m being lazy or procrastinating or anything like that. Its because I can barely walk in the mornings and throughout the day after sitting for a while, and although the foot pain eases, I can’t go more than 3 miles before I have to stop. At first I thought maybe it was poor circulation, but now I think it’s classic plantar fasciitis. Friends have passed along exercises, stretches, and the recommendation for a special sock thing to wear. I’ll try all that and maybe a doctor appointment, but my imaginary running career, and specifically the October half marathon are fading fast.

It’s to the point where my kid keeps saying, “here mommy, use this”, and hands me a decorative walking stick which only makes me grumble at her and proceed to stubbornly limp through the house without help. Sigh. I blame old age, flat feet, and weight gain. Bleh. Sigh. Bleh. Sigh.

If all my blehs and sighs didn’t clue you in, I’m really bummed. The Accountant asks me why I insist on trying to run over the years when I just seem to always hurt myself and I don’t know. Its just this THING I’ve always wanted to be able to do, but has always eluded me. I don’t look like a runner because I can never stay injury free and/or couch potato free enough to make it part of who I am. I’ve never broken 30 minutes in a 5K or 3 hours in a half. Those were always goals I wanted to achieve but maybe I just need to let them go and move on to something else. So dramatic I know.

There’s always the bicycle I guess. Bleh.

miscellany

11 Dec

Sick. I really wish someone would bring me some warm gooey chocolate chip cookies today. I’m home sick with a fever, cough, etc etc and I say screw the chicken noodle soup, cookies are where its at. Anyway, mutter mutter growl. At least I should be over it in plenty of time to enjoy the holidays. Bright spot.

Ugly. The news these days y’all. People are so inScreen Shot 2014-12-11 at 1.14.13 PMcredibly evil. Of course, the media skews things like crazy but there is no denying that people are asshats to the extreme. The girl in MS who was burned alive…I can’t even. The parole hearing that recently brought the horrific kidnapping, torture, and murders of a Knoxville couple back into the news. And so many other things that happen every day. Racism, riots, chaos. People are so very angry. 😦 It is so easy to get consumed by it all if you let it. Countering all of this with the positive/good/beautiful things in life is a must.

Kid. Alright, on to happier topics. My kid of course. Heh. She has a Christmas dance recital this weekend which should be fun. I have no idea what her costumes are or what songs she’s dancing to so this will be a nice surprise for momma. Speaking of surprises, I thought we were going to escape it but kiddo mournfully asked The Accountant the other day why the Elf on the Shelf hadn’t visited her house yet. Apparently ALL her friends have elves and even her classroom at school. Grrrrr. I have an unreasonable hatred for that thing but she was SO bummed and we were at risk of having the whole Santa thing come crashing down, so I caved and we have now been invaded by Snowy the Elf. I am not proud of this. But kiddo thinks it fabulous and so here we are. I have put my foot down somewhat and am just moving it around the house. None of this time consuming clever elf scenario crap or posting its antics on social media. Ok ok, the first night I DID make an elf snow angel on the counter in sugar, but that is IT. So there.

Friends. I had a really good friend back in high school and college who I’d lost touch with over the past few years. We went to different high schools but attended the same church and would have sleepovers at each others houses and go on shopping trips, lots of teenage cruising around town, scoping out boys…all of that fun stuff. I moved away and we each got married. We kept in touch until the babies came and then life got busy. I sent her a Christmas card last year which got returned, so this year I made a point to hunt her down. I found her via some internet stalking research and we’ve been emailing this week! Its so great to reconnect! Keep your friends close and make them a priority because they are one of the best things in life and it sucks to lose them. I’m SO happy I found her again! Totally made my week.

Books. I’m reading some really good books lately. I have a list going on Goodreads of ones recommended by friends and some I just want to read for myself. Apparently I am missing out by not reading Neil Gaiman, according to a few friends. I’m not too far into The Ocean at the End of the Lane but so far I am really liking it. Also throwing in some Buddhism, some self help, some health related, and lots more fiction. Reading is good for the soul I say.

Bed. Ok, its back to bed for this sick girl.

breathe momma breathe

23 Nov

Screen Shot 2014-11-23 at 9.10.56 PMBeing a parent is THE most stressful thing. And I have it easy. One kid. No major health issues. Normal behavior. Easy peasy. Yet still THE most stressful thing. I must be a complete wuss or something.

Kiddo had a tummy bug a couple of weekends ago. She recovered in a couple of days but seems to complain of her stomach hurting on a very regular basis lately. This Friday night, more tummy issues that were not pretty and then this afternoon she started hurting again. This time actually writhing in pain in between bits of sleep. She’d say in the most pitiful voice, “Mommy, what’s wrong with me?” and “I only want my tummy to stop hurting”, and her little face was all scrunched up with hurt and I couldn’t do anything but lay next to her and stroke her hair and hold her hand. The Accountant and I debated a trip to the ER but then she’d settle down and sleep some more. At the very least, a trip to the pediatrician is in order if this keeps up.

And of course, you can’t research your kid’s illness (or anyone’s for that matter) without reading the most horrible and worst case scenarios. I know this but I Google whatever it is anyway, therefore only making the worry exponentially worse.

I don’t know how parents of children with chronic or terminal illness do it. I remember a sermon once by a man in his 30s who has a son who is disabled and wheelchair bound. He said that people say to him and his wife all the time, “I don’t know how you do it”. His response was a candid, “you don’t have a choice, you just do it”. I have no idea what the sermon was about but that anecdote sticks with me. My kid has a stomach ache and I stress eat an entire can of ranch flavored Pringles in one sitting.

Besides parents of seriously ill children, what about parents of more than one? How do you keep them all healthy at once? How do you possibly walk around wearing multiple hearts on the outside of your body and not drive yourself directly to Straightjacket Town thinking about bullies, sickness, broken bones, car accidents, food poisoning, bad grades, peer pressure, sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll????????? Oh sure, its two or three or more times the love and cuddles but also that much more of the worries and stress. I’ll pass thanks, but major respect to those of you who are rockin’ the parenting of multiple offspring.

Now I need a paper bag to breathe into. And more Pringles.

moving…

5 Jan

…my body that is. And brain too, I suppose. Feeling good lately with better food choices and consistent work outs at the gym and walking/jogging outside. The weather is supposed to be icky this week so I’ve tried to take advantage of the good stuff while I can and have been getting my walks done outside before I have to resort to the treadmill. My lower back has been aching a bit but I’m blaming it on old age and hoping its nothing.

outside

In other news, I’m doing a lot more reading and personal writing these days. I read an article the other day about self-hate and doing what’s good for YOU. I’ll find it and link it maybe. Anyway, it made me think about things and re-prioritizing and yada yada. This week, at some point, I hope to get back into a bit of a routine and do some planning on a few things I want to accomplish this year. I feel like I’ve been in stagnant mode for the past few months. I think this paragraph is more of a placeholder for a future post when I can really think about it without a squirmy kiddo and the movie UP distracting me. 🙂

Hubs and I scored a babysitter for Saturday night. Next weekend will be the last one before tax season starts and that is always a difficult time of year for us. Hubs works crazy long hours and its just a stressful time all around. So one last hurrah before he buckles down into serious work mode. That “hurrah” may only involve dinner and a movie but I’ll take it.

A friend posted one of those meme thing-a-mah-jigs the other day. Simple and to the point. “Miserable people focus on what they hate about their life. Happy people focus on what they love about their life.” So, be happy and love more yo.

Ciao.

the ‘rents and a walk

14 Oct

Besides the race this weekend, my parents spent Friday-Sunday with us and it was a great visit. Kiddo probably bugged them to death but I don’t think they minded too much. She had Papa on bicycles and swings and various playground equipment, Grandma read her stories and watched some questionable dance moves, plus a trip with Papa and Grandma to the local pumpkin patch before sending them home exhausted.

Monday WalkIn contrast, today was kind of lame. I didn’t feel well so I took a sick day and vegged. Not that that isn’t something I’m good at or dislike doing but I felt like a slug and slugs are no fun. I made up for it tonight though and went for a little walk with the dog. The weather was cool and the night was cloudy with a bright moon. My legs/feet/hips are still pretty sore and I needed to move them. It felt really good. My bum foot felt fine and my muscles seemed happy to be back outside walking.

moonTomorrow we’ll try a bike ride I think. And maybe a short, slow run at the end of the week. Some gym time is in order too.There’s a local 4 mile race on Thanksgiving that I think I’m going to do, if I’m in town.

Off topic side-note: I am going to finish The Grapes of Wrath this week or die trying.

Goodnight interwebz.

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