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Therapy: On Feeling Better

25 May

My latest therapy session was a good one. We spent a lot of time talking about simply wanting to feel better and using that as motivation rather than relying on a number on the scale or the size of my pants to dictate my mood.

I’m feeling all of my 42 years plus about 10 more these days. I shouldn’t struggle so much to get up off my kid’s floor, be winded after climbing a few stairs, or be so stiff that I have to literally roll off the bed and hobble to the bathroom because my joints haven’t “warmed up” yet.

Realistically, the goal of having a taut, lean body are long gone. I’ve lowered my standards and they are twofold.

1. Feel better physically overall.

2. Belly less protruding than boobs.

That’s legit it, and I really don’t think this is unachievable. Until I actually try to do it. I sounds like the cliched broken record here but, do you know what I had for dinner tonight? Leftover pizza and raw cookie dough. I KNOW that is not going to make me feel better physically and yet I do it again and again and again. Which tells me that this is more of a mental struggle than anything. Conquer the mind and you conquer the body, right? So how does one do that? I have zero clue and thus the cycle continues.

Dr. B and I talked about just focusing on doing fun things that I enjoy and that are active. Indoor rock climbing and cycling came to mind. I’ve done both and enjoy them, as much as I’m going to enjoy any physical activity. A further stretch is getting back into a dance class – maybe belly dancing even. I mean, I already have the belly so I figure I have a head start on that one.

I dunno. I tend to think that I should have this figured out by now and I feel really dumb for still struggling with this stuff at my age. I’m trying to ward off an impending funk but all I can think about as I stuff junk food in my face is how I’m getting fatter and fatter. Which carries over into my confidence in other areas and down the rabbit hole we go. Maybe there will be pie at the bottom.

Photo by Bekir Dönmez on Unsplash

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Since You’ve Been Gone

20 Apr

aaron-burden-363695-unsplash

I can breathe for the first time…Just kidding.

After about a year’s absence I kinda just have to start over here. Here are the major highlights:

  • I started a new job! 🙂
  • Our dog died. 😦
  • I restarted and then quit grad school. Again. 😦
  • I’ve gained about 20 pounds. 😦

One out of four is not great, I realize. But the steady stream of good stuff that has continued through 2017 and into this year serves to even it out I think. We’re calling it break even anyway.

First, the job. Y’all know I have complained ad nauseam about Cubicle Nation for-freakin’-ever. I have been at the new gig for over six months now and I’ll be honest, barring being a kept woman or a travel writer, this is about the ideal job for me at this time and place in my life. I’m doing fun social media, communication, writing things at a non-profit. The commute is still outrageous, but I do get to work one day a week from home. The other negative was that I took a god-awful huge pay cut, but the trade-off was worth it to do worthwhile, fulfilling, and creative work. So yay happiness!

Second, the dog. Our chocolate lab, Cooper was ten and a half, and after a couple of weeks of obvious illness, we found out he had cancer throughout his liver. We had to put him peacefully to sleep. I’ve never had to experience that before and it was heartbreaking. But there was no way I was going to see him not be able to get around and in pain. This was the right choice. One day (if I can convince hubs) maybe we’ll get another dog. For now, we’re adjusting to life without our Big Brown.

Third, grad school. I continued work on a graduate degree in Liberal Arts, did a few classes, then a major bout of depression hit me, and I quit. Plain and simple. It sucked, and I kind of hate myself for it. But then the new job came along and it doesn’t have the tuition benefit anyway, so I suppose it was meant to be – if you believe in all that Fate crap. Anyway, maybe anything past a Bachelor’s degree just isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ll go back someday. Time will tell.

Lastly, weight gain. What’s there to really say about that? I still struggle mightily with depression and all the food issues that go along with that. And I like my sweets and junk food, sue me. Living healthier is constantly on my mind; it’s the doing it that hinders me.

So there you have it. A year’s absence caught up in a few paragraphs. Here’s to reviving Finnspace.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

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2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

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various thoughts at 3 am

14 Aug
  • Emotional rollercoaster today. It’s not something I can explain here. Its just…all the things. Bleh. Life is weird.
  • As mentioned in the title, it’s an ungodly hour and momma is up pacing, nervous as a cat. #1stdayofkindgergarten
  • Last day of daycare today for kiddo. Teary pickup. Last long commute home with her. Not so teary, for me anyway as kiddo was in a mood. Probably nervous like momma. It was a big day for her.
  • Today (Wednesday) is my Friday and it will be abbreviated. Not complaining there.
  • I feel like I am losing control of my exercise and eating. Again. My time management and organizational skills are nil and I’ve been preoccupied, by design. I’m all over the place. I’m so sick of starting and stopping and starting over a million zillion times. Why can’t I be consistent with anything? Frustrated with myself.
  • I got to take The Trekster out for an abbreviated spin after work. It was short and unsatisfying because, five year old who wants mommy like humans want air. But, I could at least tell that I made a great choice and am going to love this bike for a long time.
Trekster

Trek FX 7.4…in mah driveway

 

 

 

 

Better stock photo

Better stock photo

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1/2 mary and battles with wacky nuts

8 Jul

In a few months I’ll be “running” in my second half marathon. I use the word running loosely because I walked the majority of the one last year and while I plan to run most of this second one, I am not above walking parts of it as well. Ain’t no shame in walking my friends. I have a training plan worked out and will officially begin this evening. I had the greatest of intentions of getting up and going this morning but hello, snooze button. The best laid plans… This is why I will never make it to the Olympics. I like running in the mornings best but getting out the door is the hardest part. Afterwards I’m all happy and feeling good and ready for the day. Will try again though.

I’m excited about this one because its local and flat and a big deal for my town. I was to partially train and run it with a friend but that fell through so now I’m kind of looking for a new training partner, or at least seeing which of my friends are also running in it. If I’d known I’d probably have signed up for the Women’s Half with a couple of girlfriends like last year but you know what they say about hindsight.

I’ll try to keep this site updated with progress. Maybe. I’m not very good at blogging commitments so we’ll see. I have been killing it at the gym lately but I also killed some “wacky nut cookies” (as kiddo calls macadamia nut cookies) last night too so I’m probably breaking even on weight loss. Actually not true, I’m down some pounds and would like to keep that trend going. I am also trying to listen to my body for a change because injuries are lame (yuk yuk yuk). I have super sore biceps and my knees started complaining a couple of days ago. I shifted to the bike yesterday and got a good 17 miles in. Tonight we’ll try a steady run/walk on pavement and see what happens. It sucks getting old y’all.

Happy running!

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weight and body stuff

15 Dec

I “ran” 5 miles last night for the first time ever. Longest distance at one time so far. I say “ran” because it was very slow and I had to walk some too. But I’ll take it regardless. It was pretty hilly considering what I’m used to. And then I did a stupid thing. I didn’t eat dinner after. Not on purpose, just got busy with kiddo and then passed out by 9:30. While this is not a healthy approach, I am down 5ish pounds for the week so there’s that. Haha.

I’d like to lose 30 pounds. There, I said it. I not-so-secretly anymore want to be tall and well, willowy. I’ve got the tall part down at least.

Isn’t it funny how weight and body image are such relative things? I have friends who are much skinnier than me and I get so annoyed when they complain about being “fat”, because to me they aren’t fat and I’d love to be their size. And then I’m sure there are people who weigh more than I do who think the same about me. So I try to remember that when my tiny friends are moaning about the doughnut they ate this morning that went right to their thighs. And when I say I try to remember that what I really mean is that I only punch them in the face in my mind and not for real. Love you skinny friends!

I remember being the weight I’d like to be right now and STILL not being happy with my body so truth be told, 90% of it is your attitude. Obviously mine is not in the right place since I obsess about it so much. I hate that but it’s true. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that she is finally content with how she looks. It was a mental change and I’d like to steal it somehow. It seems like such a big leap for me though. I’m not sure how people do that. I guess that goes for more things than just body image too.

I have no answers on this stuff, just thoughts. And I’m about to eat a salad. A willowy-type salad.

Sidenote: Know what bugs me? Typos bug me. Proofreading is good. I’m not a grammar stickler but some things are just stupid. And people who get into the elevator before letting others get off. Those two things for today.

running towards something

29 Aug

So, I’ve been doing this running thing since about mid-May of this year. I’ve done this before, starting running (well, walking first until I could jog without dying) and kept at it for a bit and then something or other distracted me or I got discouraged and gave up. But here I am three and a half months later and I’m still on the wagon.

I have this weird goal of doing one 5K race a month. I’ve done two so far and while I am turtle-like in my pace, I did improve over the 2 races. I guess I want to see that improvement happen on a consistent basis. Plus, races are fun and I get a high after finishing. My next 5K is in a couple of weeks and I’m excited to get out there again. As tacky as the free race t-shirts can be, I wear them with pride.

Its such a mental game for me. If my head is in the right place I can have a good run with a decent-for-me time/pace. If its not, forget it, the run is crappy and I’m discouraged. Lately I’ve been in a bit of a slump or stuck on a plateau, or something. But its ok. I just try to remember that I’m in this for the long haul and not just the one run. (Thanks friend for that gem). More experienced runners are generous with their encouragement and they all say the same thing…stick with it, keep at it, we all started somewhere, you will get faster, better, stronger.

I’ve also recently started counting calories and eating more healthy. I’ve lost 3 pounds so far which isn’t much but its something. A start. Today was also the first time I’ve been to the gym to lift weights in months. That felt great too.

I’m writing all this down as a pat on the back to myself and to have something to come back to when I start slipping. And I will slip. But not today.

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