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The ADD is strong with this one

4 Nov

I cannot sit still today y’all. Cannot focus. Cannot stand the confines of this cubicle. I am fidgety. Whew. I’m making lists and thinking of things I need and want to do and getting not much of anything done in this whole chaotic process that’s swirling in my head.

I will look into mind-quieting meditation…

Sometimes I wonder if a set daily routine would help or hinder. Some people swear by that right? As in from 5-6am they get ready for work, commute from 6-6:45am, 6:45-7:15am get the to-do list and priorities lined up for the day, 7:15-9:00am work on Project A…you get the idea. I like the IDEA of being that organized but the actual rigidity of that gives me anxiety. There has to be a great deal of flexibility and creativity in it for it to work for me I think. And then, what’s the point of a schedule?

I feel like a lab rat in here. A fish in a glass bowl.

I’m totally just writing this post as a form of procrastination. Ahhhhhhhh!!!

I’m going to lunch.

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morning ride and the state of my brain

15 Oct

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 10.08.29 AMI thought since last night’s walk was so pain free and relatively easy that this morning’s bike ride would be the same. Um, no. Apparently my legs are still in rebellion mode because those 6 miles were more than a bit lackluster. There is one TINY hill on this route and I was struggling to get up it. But it still felt good to be back on the bike. Tonight I’ll walk the pup again and call it a day.

Things are pretty meh in my head today. I feel like my head and my heart are never simpatico. I feel like I’ve always made smart decisions, practical logical decisions and where has that gotten me? A big house in the suburbs, sure. A job that pays for the house in the suburbs, yes. Some nice toys, you bet. But for all of those things, I still feel like I’m in the wrong place. Not where I’m supposed to be. In the right place as far as my brain is concerned, but not so much where my heart is concerned. I love my family. I have a good life. But while my body is there physically, my head and heart are somewhere else. I need them to match up somehow. Its a quandary for sure.

For one thing, I don’t feel fulfilled in my work and that would make a HUGE difference in my mindset and matching up that whole heart vs. brain thing. And its why I volunteer but that doesn’t pay the bills. I feel trapped by a dependance to pay the bills. Hell, I feel trapped by having to be a responsible adult. But I digress. Its soul numbing to feel like you aren’t making a difference. That you’re just taking up space. Wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to remedy this but I feel like I go through this career cycle thing every few years and haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I fail at career development because I don’t know what I want my career to be, and when I actually say out loud, “I want to be a travel writer and a nomad”, people just look at me funny. And by the way, I hate that word “career”. It sounds so…stuck, trapped, non-flexible. Ugh, frustrated.

Anyway, just feel like I’m failing at life lately. Thus, meh.

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its a fiat i know it

1 Dec

There’s a car that always parks in the same space in the internal depths of the parking garage. It is always shrouded in a car cover concealing what must be something pretty special to the owner. I can hardly stand it and every time I walk by I just want to take a peek underneath to see what the big deal is about this vehicle.

And lets be honest, it also annoys me a little that Mr. or Ms. Fancypants feel the need to shield their car from the rest of us peasants.

But mostly I’m just curious nosy and like to make up adventurous stories about it in my head as I walk by. Its a tiny thing so I’m guessing foreign, maybe antique, some sort of Italian coupe or something equally intriguing.

On second thought, maybe I won’t peek underneath that cover just in case its a beat up old Datsun that will cause incredible disappointment and deflate my glamorous roadster notions.

zombie brain

26 Oct

My “grey matter” as a former English teacher used to refer to our adolescent brains, has been completely mush the last couple of days. Maybe its too much Dora and not enough veggies or something, I dunno. I do the whole zoning out thing quite well but some days its way worse than others. I need a challenge of some sort. Some new stimulation or scenery. I did change the template here…you know I do that when I get restless.

Speaking of zombies and brains, a friend is doing the Zombie Buffet 5K this weekend and I’m kinda jealous. The timing just isn’t good for me but I would’ve made a killa Black Swan Zombie doncha think? Oh wait, I don’t think I’ve talked about that whole running a 5K in a tutu thing on here have I? My bad. Long story short…a friend and I dressed as White Swan and Black Swan and ran a race. It was wicked fun. The end. Here is proof…I cropped White Swan out because well, not everyone wants these types of things documented on the internet.

  And no, I am not pregnant, I was just wearing a “billowy” shirt.

Now, what was I talking about again? Oh yes, being restless. This must be why I run around town in tutus on occasion. To feed the restless beast (or bird in this case).

While I’m on the subject of costumes (sort of), kiddo keeps saying she wants to be a spider for Halloween. The original plan was to recycle last year’s pirate costume but a couple of options have come to my attention to change things up. The lovely Danielle suggested drawing a spider on her face and she could be a Pirate Spider. Brilliant! Also, I’ve found a no-sew (’cause we all know that ain’t happening) homemade spider costume that doesn’t look too difficult or expensive so we could do that as well. Hmmmm. What will probably happen is kid will want to be a spider up until the costume is ready and then randomly say that she wants to be a unicorn or something. In which case mommy will say no candy for you.

I’m reading an excellent book right now for bookclub. Shanghai Girls by Lisa See. It has nothing to do with zombies, spiders or swans but is great nonetheless.

Oh, back to the 5K thing. Kiddo and I will be tearing up the pavement in this one in a few weeks. I am definitely not going to break any PRs in this race since I’ll be pushing a 30 lb kid in a humongous stroller, but it should be fun. And hopefully she’ll think its cool to race with the old lady.

Till next time.

where did i go?

21 Jul

This morning I heard myself yell up the stairs to kiddo as she skittered away from me to avoid putting on her socks like I’d told her to multiple times. “You are fixin’ to get a time out young lady!!!!” Yes, I said “fixin” just like that, without the g, and I added in a stern “YOUNG LADY” for shock value. I cringed inside as I said it. Not that kiddo didn’t deserve disciplining for not listening, but because sometimes its like I watch myself from some sort of out-of-body porthole and wonder, who is this person?

I don’t think I’ve let myself fully accept who I am at this point in my life. I’m still holding out for something except I’m not sure what that something is. That whole being content with where you are eludes me. I play the “what if” game too much.

My head is in a weird place today. Maybe its the heat.

think

10 Mar

I think a lot. I think too much.

Right now I’m thinking that the clock is stuck at 2:51 and will never move again. I think I need chocolate because that’s what I think everyday around 3pm. I think I want another tattoo but can’t decide on what or where. I think one day I’ll go to the airport and tell the ticket agent to surprise me.

I read “A Mad Girl’s Love Song” by Sylvia Plath today and liked it. I want to read more. Go to more art museums and poetry readings. Maybe take another dance class. I should have been a starving artist. Or a hobo.

I just told someone that leading questions are the most interesting ones. I’m pretty sure I’m right about that.

 

grumpy mcgrumperson

29 Dec

I am not a fan of small talk nor am I very good at it. Post holiday small talk tops the list of all categories of dreaded chitty-chatty-for-no-reason banter. Hello person with me in the elevator who I don’t know but who I think works in accounting…”how was your Christmas” they ask me…I say “it was great, how was yours?” And we carry on. This bugs me. The waiter at lunch asks the same thing…I answer in turn. Drives me crazy. A friend sincerely wants to know, ok fine, we’ll discuss.  By the way, my Christmas was pretty great, thanks for asking. How was yours? Maybe I’ll post about it soon and then I’ll just direct curious passersby to this site so I don’t have to rehash. Heh.

I’m a bit gloomy doomy today. Not that you could possibly tell that because I hide it so well. The weeks after the holiday build up and then the inevitable descent tend to bring me down in weird ways. I think it’s the anticipation and preparation, then BANG the big event, and then…nothing. Except dreary weather, stashing away holiday decorations and continuing with the normal. I don’t particularly like being the kind of person who always needs something to look forward to, some sort of carrot on a stick to chase. But that’s me. No wait, make that chocolate cake on a stick. Now that I will run for. Screw the carrots.

And I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if a Life Is Good tweet did not just pop up on my twitter feed to tell me to get over it and stop being such a grump…”Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. Now I feel a smidgen of guilt but I refuse to delete! Refuse I say! *shakes fist in air defiantly*

New Year’s Resolutions…I was considering making some and then decided I’d have better luck keeping promises to myself if I don’t make any. Which when I write that out, makes no sense but in my rumblybumbly brain it does. I think I set goals that are too much of a stretch. I need to learn to work within that whole babysteps concept. Oh, speaking of New Years…know what else DRIVES ME TO THE BRINK OF HOMICIDE??? It is a sure thing that come Dec 31st that as I am leaving the office some moron will say…”see you next year!!” and then laugh at their brilliant originality. I need to go ahead and come up with a sarcastic comeback to that one. Suggestions welcome.

I mean really, I don’t know where she gets this from…Its such a mystery…

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