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morning ride and the state of my brain

15 Oct

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 10.08.29 AMI thought since last night’s walk was so pain free and relatively easy that this morning’s bike ride would be the same. Um, no. Apparently my legs are still in rebellion mode because those 6 miles were more than a bit lackluster. There is one TINY hill on this route and I was struggling to get up it. But it still felt good to be back on the bike. Tonight I’ll walk the pup again and call it a day.

Things are pretty meh in my head today. I feel like my head and my heart are never simpatico. I feel like I’ve always made smart decisions, practical logical decisions and where has that gotten me? A big house in the suburbs, sure. A job that pays for the house in the suburbs, yes. Some nice toys, you bet. But for all of those things, I still feel like I’m in the wrong place. Not where I’m supposed to be. In the right place as far as my brain is concerned, but not so much where my heart is concerned. I love my family. I have a good life. But while my body is there physically, my head and heart are somewhere else. I need them to match up somehow. Its a quandary for sure.

For one thing, I don’t feel fulfilled in my work and that would make a HUGE difference in my mindset and matching up that whole heart vs. brain thing. And its why I volunteer but that doesn’t pay the bills. I feel trapped by a dependance to pay the bills. Hell, I feel trapped by having to be a responsible adult. But I digress. Its soul numbing to feel like you aren’t making a difference. That you’re just taking up space. Wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to remedy this but I feel like I go through this career cycle thing every few years and haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I fail at career development because I don’t know what I want my career to be, and when I actually say out loud, “I want to be a travel writer and a nomad”, people just look at me funny. And by the way, I hate that word “career”. It sounds so…stuck, trapped, non-flexible. Ugh, frustrated.

Anyway, just feel like I’m failing at life lately. Thus, meh.

in which i am a major downer

24 Sep

I wonder if those who’ve passed on can watch us, the ones left here. Are they shocked at the difference in someone they knew in life because they can now see how they really are in death? Can my grandma see me? And not just see me, but know what I’m feeling and thinking? Can she see my inexplicable sadness these past couple of weeks? Sometimes I wake up and remember that she’s gone and its like a surprise that I have to adjust my brain to again and again.

My sadness hasn’t been 100% due to her passing although that is part of my melancholy. I’ve been in one of my “black” periods, to be quite dramatic about it. Sleeping a lot, missing a bit of work, not socializing, shutting myself off, irritable, snippy, crying, lackluster. A good ol’ bout of old fashioned depression I guess. For a combination of reasons that are better left to my therapist’s ears during tomorrow’s visit than for me to lay out here. Feeling like I’m just taking up space, unfulfilled, not challenged, useless, second best, less than, etc etc. All the pathetic pitiful lame things. I feel wretched even typing this. Like, what is wrong with me??? Freakin’ crazy person, that’s what.

When this happens at its worst, I nearly cease to function. I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I have no motivation for anything but what I absolutely have to do to get by. I haven’t been eating well and exercise has been non-existent the past few weeks. I’m currently thinking that I won’t even bother with the 1/2 Marathon that I was training for. My heart isn’t in it anymore. That makes me feel like a failure. Again.

Kiddo has been pushing my buttons lately. She is severely attached to me. Like, I can’t go anywhere without her. She doesn’t want her daddy, she wants me. It’s sweet and endearing until I can’t remember who I was before being a mom anymore and am on the verge of running away. Really running away, not just to the grocery. Yesterday I finally put my foot down and went for a drive just to escape the responsibility. I came home to news that she had sobbed herself to sleep calling for me. My tombstone is going to read, “She lived every day trapped by guilt for one reason or another. Even when she fled to the grocery store for some peace”.

The mommy thing isn’t all bad of course and I don’t mean to insinuate that at all. We spent a great day at the zoo and at her best friend’s house, we went to her first Titans game, the ballet, rescued a turtle with a chopped off leg, yada yada. She’s funny and sweet and loving. The bad doesn’t last. It’s like the pain of getting a tattoo. The pain lasts until you think you can’t stand it anymore and then it stops, is soothed and then starts over again. But while the needle is poking you, over and over again…you wonder what in the hell you were thinking.

And I wish I could explain it all better. I know my impatience with kiddo is a by product of my mood and other things that are going on. That’s not fair to her and I try not to let her see it although I’m not always successful at that either. The Accountant doesn’t get it. Doesn’t understand why I’m just not happy, why I snap at him and kiddo, why I just start crying for no apparent reason. Basically, I’ve been a royal pain to live with lately.

I had a dream this morning. I was running. Through fields, up hills, through forests, in between weird blue crosses, along the beach…dodging cars and people…running fast and strong and free….I came to a path up a steep hill alongside the ocean. Instead of running along the beach, I choose the uphill path. I could see a sparkling city skyline over the top of the crest and I was running towards it as fast as I could. And then my alarm went off and I cursed the interruption. Always reaching for something that I can’t ever seem to obtain.

this is why i’m in therapy folks

25 Jul

Texts this morning from yet another friend who is struggling for different reasons. Sometimes people are incredibly mean, closed minded, and heartless in their well-meaning-ness, if that makes any sense. I know life is difficult and there are struggles to be had. Its not all peachy keen, hunky dory, sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but I really don’t think it should be THIS hard for some people to find happiness. Sue me.

I had a bit of clarity last night. Something obvious that I hadn’t thought of in this particular way I guess. Not that it was all that helpful but more, interesting. I do this thing where I put different scenarios in my head and daydream about “test driving” them to see if that’s the ticket to contentment and fulfillment and all that crap. Like….Oh, I wonder if I’d be happy being a hobo travel writer? Or, maybe I’ll try teaching English in Thailand…how about waiting tables at a Parisian sidewalk cafe and I’ll live in a dumpy hipster flat in Montmartre. Etc etc. I’m a hopeless dreamer and while a nice mental escape, when you have to let reality hit you in the face, it can be quite the downer if you let it. Which I am an expert at doing.

So I realized that I don’t have to stress over exactly WHAT it is that I want/need, I just need the flexibility and freedom to SEARCH for it. That’s it. Flexibility and freedom. What’s that thing Emerson said about life being a journey and not a destination? That. The problem with my little bout of clarity is the fact that I don’t really have a plan to go about getting the flexibility/freedom for all my wanderings. Then you have to think about money and bills and responsibilities, yada yada yada. So you throw up your hands and say screw it, hand me a third cupcake and yes, we can watch Tangled for the millionth time after I empty the dishwasher. The moral of the story is…being a responsible adult can be frustrating and suffocating for some of us.

Life is short and the world is wide (Simon Raven). And I’m freaking out that I’m missing it. I want to do things, see things. Bigger things. Enter obligatory disclaimer…not that the life I have is bad, not that the life I have isn’t full of good and beautiful things and people….but, there’s much more out there that I’m missing. I know you can’t do everything but….grrrrr. You can’t live wishing you’d done this or that but I do it all the time. I should’ve joined the Peace Corps, I should’ve studied abroad, I should’ve bungee jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, etc. No, I do not care about doing the damn laundry, can’t you see I’m busy hiking the Alps in my brain!!?!?!

Something is seriously wrong with me.

And this has turned into a rather depressing post and I really didn’t mean for it to.

Meh.

This this this this this!!!

18 Jul

I would do this IN A HEARTBEAT. Do you know how many times I have said that I would love to go to the airport, walk up to the ticket counter and tell them to give me a seat on the next available flight to anywhere? A million times. But this is even better! Want.

http://www.wfsb.com/story/22875950/heineken-asks-travelers-at-jfk-to-drop-everything

Image

the urge

27 Jun

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 4.08.15 PM

this girl is me

14 Jun

one day i’m gonna look up at the pictures on my screen and walk out the door.

looking under the couch for my “ambition & goals”

8 Oct

So, I have weird dreams. A lot of them. My theory is that its a side effect of a new med I’ve been taking but that’s neither here nor there. I don’t mind dreaming, as long as they’re not nightmares, and luckily those have been few and far between.

I’ve always been interested in dream interpretation but never really sought out any information and am not even sure if it’s legit. But, it’s fun anyway so I looked up what the main focus of last night’s dream might indicate.

I dreamed that my family and I (mom, dad, and brother) were staying in some sort of apartment building or hotel and it began to collapse. We raced down the stairs to get out. My mom was freaking out. Anyway, we all made it out safely and watched the entire building collapse, just like it had gotten tired and decided to sit down with a “harumpf”. There were some other things going on but that was the main gist.

I did a bit of searching online and came up with this…

To dream that a building collapses indicates that you are losing sight of your ambitions and goals. Your pursuit for material gains is failing.

Hrmmmmm. That wasn’t what I expected. I wonder if this is sort of like horoscopes and psychics where you can make the analysis fit if you really want to. Regardless, it did get me to thinking about my¬† ‘ambitions and goals’. What are they? Do I have any? Does it matter?

But that is another post for another day.

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