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breaking

20 May

I have seen my father break. Crushed under the weight of the illness and death of his own father when I was a teenager. Then again when cancer took his mother and only brother within mere weeks of each other. I know what it looks like when my father breaks. And there is no shame or weakness in the breaking.

Now I watch my mother. I watch her carefully and in awe as she cares for her dying mother knowing that this will be their last Mother’s Day together in this life. I see my forlorn grandfather lean on his oldest daughter for support as he watches his partner of 63 years slip away from him. I watch my mother as she processes the loss of another family member who took their own life this very week.

Outwardly, my mother shows no signs of breaking. But I wonder when the cracks will show. My father and I wait until she leaves her brief respite to return to care for grandmother. Then dad and I cry together for her. We all break differently. And there is no shame in the breaking.

June 30, 1937 – May 15, 2018

September Favorites

1 Oct

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Summertime

6 Jul

Here we are, in the throes of summer. It’s been a whirlwind so far. Austin with our friends was fantastic and I should share pics but I always say that and then never do it. Bad bad blogger. I had a solo work trip to the ATL which was alright as far as work trips go. Kiddo’s dance recital came and went and was deemed successful. She tried a new camp which turned into an epic fail. I remember hating camp too. The Accountant and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary by attending a baseball game and a Buddy Guy concert, both spectacular. I should REALLY share pics of the Buddy Guy concert as he was inches from me and was rockin’ out in the aisles. It was awesome. MC Hamster kicked the bucket after a year of living the good life. A good friend moved to Kansas. The pool has been seeing lots of action. Polly Prius is fabulous and I’m spending way less on gas, just don’t ask me to race. And random other life events that no one cares about but me.

That was the worst paragraph ever.

I’m in one of my restless stages. Bleh. Have a TON to do but no motivation or desire to be productive. Sometimes it seems to me that I was meant for more than this. But what that is, I have no clue.

Half marathon training officially began today. Day 1 is “Stretch and Strengthen” so I hit the weights at the gym this morning and went to a yoga class at lunch. Bam. Batting 1000. Tomorrow is a 3 mile run. Which in my case means a 3 mile walk/jog (wog). Close enough.

End post.

29 and holding. Plus 10.

2 Dec

So, I turned 39 today. I’m trying to feel positive about this and embrace the moment and all that jazz, but Ima keep it real and just say that it kind of sucks. I have a case of the birthday blues and feel pretty stupid and petty about it. And if anyone says “its better than the alternative”, I will punch you in the face. Because old ladies are grumpy.

The day itself was good and my friends and family were awesome with the cards and texts and posts, etc. I was treated to a sweet “work meeting” at Starbucks and went to lunch at my favorite dive diner with a favorite friend. The Accountant sent sweet flowers and kiddo gifted me the cutest drawing in a card and a Barnes and Noble giftcard which I spent on the same day because giftcards are like FIAH in my pocket.

In other news, Thanksgiving was really nice. The three of us went to my family’s and did the holiday up right. And by doing the holiday up right, I mean that I now need new pants because food baby. Christmas prep is in full swing and is stress free so far thanks to artificial trees, a set budget, and online shopping.

I’m trying to get kiddo to focus on things other than presents and to realize that she is a fortunate little bugger and that this is not everyone’s reality. She’s got several projects in the works; donating her bike to a local organization that refurbishes them for others, Soles for Souls shoe drive, shopping for gifts for a family her class is supporting. Great things for sure but I don’t think she “gets it” yet. All part of the journey I guess.

There was an excellent Tara Brach talk on serving. I’ll have to find it and link because it was so pertinent, even though the gist was pretty obvious and nothing novel or new. Yet something we tend to forget. She discussed how depressed people are selfish, in that they can be completely focused on self. I can’t speak as eloquently about it as she does but the basic premise is that by serving others and taking away that focus on self, we counter this “selfishness”. No brainer, right? I think what stuck with me was how she framed it. Because depressed people ARE selfish, at some base level, but putting yourself outside your own issues and mental quagmire is mind-clearing in many ways. And yeah, it’s 3 in the morning and I am butchering this but you get the idea.

Which reminds me, the meditation space is coming along. It’s been cleaned out and just needs some final touches and I will be omming with the best of them. Haha. Not that you need the perfect space to meditate but I’ll be glad to have a home base of sorts. And if meditation means face-planting into your keyboard in Cubicle Nation tomorrow, I’ll gonna be spot on because it’s late and sleep has eluded me, until now.

Peas ‘n Carrots.

Family Hike Saturday

16 Mar

Maps and SignsI deemed today “family day” and made the proclamation that we were all going for a hike and a picnic. Momma had spoken and there would be no arguing. And so, we took off to a local park that I didn’t even know HAD hiking trails until an acquaintance enlightened me.

As this was a family hike, no trail records were broken and I’m happy to report that neither were any bones, although kiddo fell a couple of times but recovered after only a few tears. I only twisted my ankle three times and stumbled about ten. I am a dorky hiker. Winning. Oh, and in a ridiculous moment of nature euphoria/madness, I think I heard myself agree to a family hiking/camping trip in the near future. All those chirping birds addled my brain or something.

Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure, as well as some links to people who actually know what they are doing who have also hiked these trails.

All in all, a very fun day and I think we’ll be back here.

The Trail

Beware Kid Hiking

yeah, its been a minute…

11 Nov

…but people keep dying and getting sick on me. Since my last post two more grandmothers have passed, this time on The Accountant’s side, and also within a few days of each other. Its been sad and exhausting. Four deaths within less than three months…too much. Kiddo has been sick with a stomach virus, then I got it and still have it, and now I think hubs has it but that remains to be confirmed. I have missed so much work I’m surprised I still have a job to go to. I felt like crap today but managed to drag myself in anyway and have felt better as the day has worn on. On the bright side, I’ve lost 5 pounds.

CandyCornKiddoIt hasn’t all been bad of course. Halloween fell in between sickness and it was a good one. And my kiddo…come on….the cuteness…she had a great time trick or treating in the neighborhood and giving mom all her candy because, junk food. Her father has brainwashed her with healthy talk.

Kiddo continues to do well in school. We made it past her first report card and parent teacher conference with flying colors and she still loves going every day. We are ramping up for a holiday season full of dance recitals, Thanksgiving school lunches and fall festivals so its going to get busy quick!

I’m anxious to get back on the bike and into the gym as that’s fallen apart due to life’s madness. All our big toys are currently residing in the unused breakfast areScreen Shot 2013-11-11 at 2.10.33 PMa because that makes sense right? That reminds me that I need to take the two bikes in for check ups. Random brain. I’m still holding steady weight wise but I’d like to just FEEL better and I know getting back to being active is key for me.

I’ve got a notion to try indoor rock climbing here soon so we’ll see. There are two great local facilities just waiting for me and my weak arms to embarrass themselves.

And birthdays!! Brother, sister-in-law, dad, niece all had big ones over the past couple of months. Mine is next. Ack. Then mom and grandpa’s. And my sweet friend Nora. Plus my parents’ anniversary. Party party party! Or maybe just, getting older. Woo.

And now that I have successfully held down a can of soup, I’m calling it a good day. Till next time. Ciao.

the ‘rents and a walk

14 Oct

Besides the race this weekend, my parents spent Friday-Sunday with us and it was a great visit. Kiddo probably bugged them to death but I don’t think they minded too much. She had Papa on bicycles and swings and various playground equipment, Grandma read her stories and watched some questionable dance moves, plus a trip with Papa and Grandma to the local pumpkin patch before sending them home exhausted.

Monday WalkIn contrast, today was kind of lame. I didn’t feel well so I took a sick day and vegged. Not that that isn’t something I’m good at or dislike doing but I felt like a slug and slugs are no fun. I made up for it tonight though and went for a little walk with the dog. The weather was cool and the night was cloudy with a bright moon. My legs/feet/hips are still pretty sore and I needed to move them. It felt really good. My bum foot felt fine and my muscles seemed happy to be back outside walking.

moonTomorrow we’ll try a bike ride I think. And maybe a short, slow run at the end of the week. Some gym time is in order too.There’s a local 4 mile race on Thanksgiving that I think I’m going to do, if I’m in town.

Off topic side-note: I am going to finish The Grapes of Wrath this week or die trying.

Goodnight interwebz.

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