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Therapy: On Feeling Better

25 May

My latest therapy session was a good one. We spent a lot of time talking about simply wanting to feel better and using that as motivation rather than relying on a number on the scale or the size of my pants to dictate my mood.

I’m feeling all of my 42 years plus about 10 more these days. I shouldn’t struggle so much to get up off my kid’s floor, be winded after climbing a few stairs, or be so stiff that I have to literally roll off the bed and hobble to the bathroom because my joints haven’t “warmed up” yet.

Realistically, the goal of having a taut, lean body are long gone. I’ve lowered my standards and they are twofold.

1. Feel better physically overall.

2. Belly less protruding than boobs.

That’s legit it, and I really don’t think this is unachievable. Until I actually try to do it. I sounds like the cliched broken record here but, do you know what I had for dinner tonight? Leftover pizza and raw cookie dough. I KNOW that is not going to make me feel better physically and yet I do it again and again and again. Which tells me that this is more of a mental struggle than anything. Conquer the mind and you conquer the body, right? So how does one do that? I have zero clue and thus the cycle continues.

Dr. B and I talked about just focusing on doing fun things that I enjoy and that are active. Indoor rock climbing and cycling came to mind. I’ve done both and enjoy them, as much as I’m going to enjoy any physical activity. A further stretch is getting back into a dance class – maybe belly dancing even. I mean, I already have the belly so I figure I have a head start on that one.

I dunno. I tend to think that I should have this figured out by now and I feel really dumb for still struggling with this stuff at my age. I’m trying to ward off an impending funk but all I can think about as I stuff junk food in my face is how I’m getting fatter and fatter. Which carries over into my confidence in other areas and down the rabbit hole we go. Maybe there will be pie at the bottom.

Photo by Bekir Dönmez on Unsplash

Since You’ve Been Gone

20 Apr

aaron-burden-363695-unsplash


I can breathe for the first time…Just kidding.

After about a year’s absence I kinda just have to start over here. Here are the major highlights:

  • I started a new job! 🙂
  • Our dog died. 😦
  • I restarted and then quit grad school. Again. 😦
  • I’ve gained about 20 pounds. 😦

One out of four is not great, I realize. But the steady stream of good stuff that has continued through 2017 and into this year serves to even it out I think. We’re calling it break even anyway.

First, the job. Y’all know I have complained ad nauseam about Cubicle Nation for-freakin’-ever. I have been at the new gig for over six months now and I’ll be honest, barring being a kept woman or a travel writer, this is about the ideal job for me at this time and place in my life. I’m doing fun social media, communication, writing things at a non-profit. The commute is still outrageous, but I do get to work one day a week from home. The other negative was that I took a god-awful huge pay cut, but the trade-off was worth it to do worthwhile, fulfilling, and creative work. So yay happiness!

Second, the dog. Our chocolate lab, Cooper was ten and a half, and after a couple of weeks of obvious illness, we found out he had cancer throughout his liver. We had to put him peacefully to sleep. I’ve never had to experience that before and it was heartbreaking. But there was no way I was going to see him not be able to get around and in pain. This was the right choice. One day (if I can convince hubs) maybe we’ll get another dog. For now, we’re adjusting to life without our Big Brown.

Third, grad school. I continued work on a graduate degree in Liberal Arts, did a few classes, then a major bout of depression hit me, and I quit. Plain and simple. It sucked, and I kind of hate myself for it. But then the new job came along and it doesn’t have the tuition benefit anyway, so I suppose it was meant to be – if you believe in all that Fate crap. Anyway, maybe anything past a Bachelor’s degree just isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ll go back someday. Time will tell.

Lastly, weight gain. What’s there to really say about that? I still struggle mightily with depression and all the food issues that go along with that. And I like my sweets and junk food, sue me. Living healthier is constantly on my mind; it’s the doing it that hinders me.

So there you have it. A year’s absence caught up in a few paragraphs. Here’s to reviving Finnspace.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

feet frustration

25 Aug

The best laid plans…

CaptureI seem to fail a lot. And this time it’s not even because I’m being lazy or procrastinating or anything like that. Its because I can barely walk in the mornings and throughout the day after sitting for a while, and although the foot pain eases, I can’t go more than 3 miles before I have to stop. At first I thought maybe it was poor circulation, but now I think it’s classic plantar fasciitis. Friends have passed along exercises, stretches, and the recommendation for a special sock thing to wear. I’ll try all that and maybe a doctor appointment, but my imaginary running career, and specifically the October half marathon are fading fast.

It’s to the point where my kid keeps saying, “here mommy, use this”, and hands me a decorative walking stick which only makes me grumble at her and proceed to stubbornly limp through the house without help. Sigh. I blame old age, flat feet, and weight gain. Bleh. Sigh. Bleh. Sigh.

If all my blehs and sighs didn’t clue you in, I’m really bummed. The Accountant asks me why I insist on trying to run over the years when I just seem to always hurt myself and I don’t know. Its just this THING I’ve always wanted to be able to do, but has always eluded me. I don’t look like a runner because I can never stay injury free and/or couch potato free enough to make it part of who I am. I’ve never broken 30 minutes in a 5K or 3 hours in a half. Those were always goals I wanted to achieve but maybe I just need to let them go and move on to something else. So dramatic I know.

There’s always the bicycle I guess. Bleh.

moving…

5 Jan

…my body that is. And brain too, I suppose. Feeling good lately with better food choices and consistent work outs at the gym and walking/jogging outside. The weather is supposed to be icky this week so I’ve tried to take advantage of the good stuff while I can and have been getting my walks done outside before I have to resort to the treadmill. My lower back has been aching a bit but I’m blaming it on old age and hoping its nothing.

outside

In other news, I’m doing a lot more reading and personal writing these days. I read an article the other day about self-hate and doing what’s good for YOU. I’ll find it and link it maybe. Anyway, it made me think about things and re-prioritizing and yada yada. This week, at some point, I hope to get back into a bit of a routine and do some planning on a few things I want to accomplish this year. I feel like I’ve been in stagnant mode for the past few months. I think this paragraph is more of a placeholder for a future post when I can really think about it without a squirmy kiddo and the movie UP distracting me. 🙂

Hubs and I scored a babysitter for Saturday night. Next weekend will be the last one before tax season starts and that is always a difficult time of year for us. Hubs works crazy long hours and its just a stressful time all around. So one last hurrah before he buckles down into serious work mode. That “hurrah” may only involve dinner and a movie but I’ll take it.

A friend posted one of those meme thing-a-mah-jigs the other day. Simple and to the point. “Miserable people focus on what they hate about their life. Happy people focus on what they love about their life.” So, be happy and love more yo.

Ciao.

all the sweat, none of the nutrition

26 Aug

bikecollage

Workouts are back on track.

The gym is happening. I do the machines and focus on arms, back, and some legwork. I’m walking at least 1.2 miles a day with the dog and have gotten in a couple of decent runs recently as well, including a 4-miler on Saturday. Last but not least, The Trekster and I continue to bond and did a 15-mile ride just yesterday. I’m loving that bike.

What needs to happen now is a record of my food intake on this blog, or at least somewhere. I don’t mind tracking my exercise here or on Fitocracy or Runkeeper because I’m actually succeeding at that. But tracking my food is a different story. I know I need to track my failures and shortcomings as well as my successes. I’m stacking the deck or not showing the full picture or something. I should have been a lawyer. Full disclosure must happen. Like the fact that I ate 5 chocolate chip cookies for supper last night. Or the ice cream I scarfed just before the 5 chocolate chip cookies. Or a couple of days ago when I forgot to eat lunch and then grabbed Sonic on the way home because, convenient and yummy and chemicals be damned.

Ok, full disclosure kind of sucks.

This has been a fitness update.

various thoughts at 3 am

14 Aug
  • Emotional rollercoaster today. It’s not something I can explain here. Its just…all the things. Bleh. Life is weird.
  • As mentioned in the title, it’s an ungodly hour and momma is up pacing, nervous as a cat. #1stdayofkindgergarten
  • Last day of daycare today for kiddo. Teary pickup. Last long commute home with her. Not so teary, for me anyway as kiddo was in a mood. Probably nervous like momma. It was a big day for her.
  • Today (Wednesday) is my Friday and it will be abbreviated. Not complaining there.
  • I feel like I am losing control of my exercise and eating. Again. My time management and organizational skills are nil and I’ve been preoccupied, by design. I’m all over the place. I’m so sick of starting and stopping and starting over a million zillion times. Why can’t I be consistent with anything? Frustrated with myself.
  • I got to take The Trekster out for an abbreviated spin after work. It was short and unsatisfying because, five year old who wants mommy like humans want air. But, I could at least tell that I made a great choice and am going to love this bike for a long time.
Trekster

Trek FX 7.4…in mah driveway

 

 

 

 

Better stock photo

Better stock photo

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