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Since You’ve Been Gone

20 Apr

aaron-burden-363695-unsplash


I can breathe for the first time…Just kidding.

After about a year’s absence I kinda just have to start over here. Here are the major highlights:

  • I started a new job! ūüôā
  • Our dog died. ūüė¶
  • I restarted and then quit grad school. Again. ūüė¶
  • I’ve gained about 20 pounds. ūüė¶

One out of four is not great, I realize. But the steady stream of good stuff that has continued through 2017 and into this year serves to even it out I think. We’re calling it break even anyway.

First, the job. Y’all know I have complained ad nauseam¬†about Cubicle Nation for-freakin’-ever. I have been at the new gig for over six months now and I’ll be honest, barring being a kept woman or a travel writer, this is about the ideal job for me at this time and place in my life. I’m doing fun social media, communication, writing things at a non-profit. The commute is still outrageous, but I do get to work one day a week from home. The other negative was that I took a god-awful huge pay cut, but the trade-off was worth it to do worthwhile, fulfilling,¬†and creative work. So yay happiness!

Second, the dog. Our chocolate lab, Cooper was ten and a half, and after a couple of weeks of obvious illness, we found out he had cancer throughout his liver. We had to put him peacefully to sleep. I’ve never had to experience that before and it was heartbreaking. But there was no way I was going to see him not be able to get around and in pain. This was the right choice. One day (if I can convince hubs) maybe we’ll get another dog. For now, we’re adjusting to life without our Big Brown.

Third, grad school. I continued work on a graduate degree in Liberal Arts, did a few classes, then a major bout of depression hit me, and I quit. Plain and simple. It sucked, and I kind of hate myself for it. But then the new job came along and it doesn’t have the tuition benefit anyway, so I suppose it was meant to be – if you believe in all that Fate crap. Anyway, maybe anything past a Bachelor’s degree just isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ll go back someday. Time will tell.

Lastly, weight gain. What’s there to really say about that? I still struggle mightily with depression and all the food issues that go along with that. And I like my sweets and junk food, sue me. Living healthier is constantly on my mind; it’s the doing it that hinders me.

So there you have it. A year’s absence caught up in a few paragraphs. Here’s to reviving Finnspace.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

misc.

8 Sep

I think my head might burst open. I have a killer headache. Oy.

Hubs and a coworker had an “incident” on the interstate today. A car swerved to dodge a semitruck tire that was in the road and the tire flew up and hit his car. I haven’t seen it yet but apparently the car is busted up pretty badly but is drivable and they are ok, which is the important thing obviously.

I had chocolate chip cookies for supper tonight. I’m not telling you how many. Be jealous.

So I talked to my advisor today…I don’t have to start the application process all over again, even though I officially withdrew from school after having Sam. I just have to resubmit an application and I’m good to go. No application fee or anything. Easy peasy. So I guess I just need to decide if I really¬†want to do this and stop being so wishy-washy. Eek.

Sam is progressing at day care. Today she slept on a cot instead of in her crib. They do this before they move the babies into the toddler rooms to get them used to the cots since that’s what they will be sleeping on when they move up. She did really good with it today. She’s also really close to walking! I’ll keep you posted on that one but I cannot wait to see her take her first steps. I’m sure I’m going to cry.

I think people need to chill with the politics crap. I don’t get why people get all worked up over¬†other people’s difference of opinion. Me, I just worry about my own stuff, I vote and let others do the same. I mean what? You want everyone to think exactly as you do? Now where’s the fun in that? Whatever people. Calm down. You can’t change other people’s opinions or control what they do. Just worry about yourself and go have a doughnut or something. I’ve got some chocolate chip cookies I’ll share with you.

I’m going to start writing again. I mean really writing. But¬†right now, I’m going to bed.

P1030476a

this is painful, don’t even bother

8 Sep

First a random baby note: Sam can sign “hungry”, “thirsty” and “brush teeth”. It’s quite cute and quite handy. Except that she like to sign “brush teeth” a LOT. I think she’s just in love with the taste of the Elmo toothpaste. Can’t blame her, it is yummy.

I’m just going to go ahead and apologize for this post. I just re-read it and visably winced. But I’m not deleting it. Because this is my space and this is how I’m feeling right now and for all¬†the grumbling, its real. So there. Bite me. Cheers.

I am struggling to get through this week. Mentally I’m less “here” than usual. I guess it’s the upcoming vacation which I am SO excited about, but ya know what, I’m already thinking in the back of my mind about having to come back here. Why do I do that? Why can’t I just enjoy the moment in the present? I hate that about me. It’s like when I was younger and would get so excited about Christmas. And yet I always knew in the back of my lil’ brain that the aftermath would be a downer for me. There’s all the build up build up build up, and then it’s over. I guess¬†that’s why I always need something to look forward to that’s outside the routine. Not a quality I’m proud of but it’s one of MY qualities nonetheless. And we are trying to accept things as they are right? I think I said that recently but am too lazy to provide you with linkage.

With that said, I’m hoping vacation will be relaxing and mentally productive. I always say that I’m going to take time during my time off to figure things out so to speak. (I should really be in a soap opera with all my dramatic ramblings). I guess that’s what I always hope for, that I’ll go away somewhere for a week or two and come back with my career crap figured out. I’ll know exactly what I want to do with my life and how to go about it. And yet, this never happens.¬† I mean, do you know long I have been bitching about this? Years people, years. I’m sick of it and I know everyone else is. I go to the beach or wherever, lounge around, eat a lot, read a little, veg out a ton, and then come back home to the same ol same ol. I thoroughly enjoy the temporary change of scenery though which is nice. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I really don’t know what my point is with this.

Ok, here’s a question for you. Should I go back to school or not? I pretended to be a grad student for one brief semester, which may not have been the best timing since I was knocked up and what was I thinking, that I could go to school AND have a baby? ‘Cause I gave up one of those things and we all know which one it was. And why am I even entertaining the notion of going back? Boredom? Yep. But is that all? Shouldn’t I have some nobler goal than mental stimulation? But I don’t really. I don’t have a “five year plan”. Maybe I just like the idea of it? Because I can guarantee you that once I re-enroll and actually start going back to classes that this blog will once again be my forum for moaning and groaning about how impossible the course is, blah blah blah. Rinse, repeat. So I dunno. If I figure this one out over vacation I’ll let you know.

Can you tell that I’m feeling whiney and blah today? Oh well. Lunch hour is over. It’s back to the pits.

did i break a mirror or something? no, that was just the garage door and some pipes

17 Jan

Soooooo, here we are. Friday again. (yeah, this post was started on Friday, I realize it’s now Saturday). Doo da, doo da. I’m feeling a bit random and scattered this afternoon. Distracted. But that’s not unusual for me. It’s been a long week campers. For various reasons. (I have a thing for sentence fragments by the way. Grammar police beware.)

Thursday was Household Disaster Day apparently. Disaster # 1¬†involved an opening garage door and a jumpy Honda a bit too anxious to get on the road. Thursday morning I went to move my car from the basement garage to the driveway as I do most weekday mornings for ease of loading about fifteen bags, briefcases, car seats, jackets and so forth. Not to mention its easier, and safer for me to walk with baby down the front sidewalk to the car than down the stairs. But anywho. I get in my car, push the garage door opener, and back out. WAAAAAY too soon. As in, before the garage door was open all the way. I heard CRASH BANG CRASH BANG and immediately cursed. Garage door bent all to heck and will not go up or down. Check. Back end of my car scratched all to heck. Check. Seriously.¬†But wait, maybe¬†something good had come out of this afterall…I mean,¬†I had the perfect excuse to stay home now right? But¬†being the overly conscientious person that I am I somehow managed to push the door up far enough to squeeze my car out. Darn. FIL was able to come over and fix the door well enough that it will now go up and down and we didn’t have to worry about our pipes freezing during those artic temps.

And speaking of freezing pipes, this is a nice transition into Household Disaster # 2. I get home from work Thursday and there is a note in our mailbox from the water meter reader guy. He says our meter was running like crazy so he shut off our water to save us further costs from what was probably a leak somewhere. Nice. Hubs gets home and can’t find a leak anywhere. He turns the water back on at the meter and notices that water is pouring out of a pipe like crazy and yup, the meter is going like sixty. Apparently there is an issue with the pipe somewhere underground. We called a plumber (who has STILL not showed up) and in the meantime we are turning the water on at the meter to shower, etc and turning it off at night and during the day. I cringe when we have to¬†turn the water back on to do our bizniz because we are wasting so much of it just pouring out of that¬†pipe.¬†Dear Environment, I am very sorry.

Oh and also, I quit school and Sam and I are sick again. So much more to say about that first one but not now and not here.

I don’t want to leave this post¬†with a¬†completely negative¬†vibe so here are some positive things that¬†I am very thankful for in spite of everything.¬†I have a decent paying job when so many are being laid off and do not know how they are going to pay their bills. Sam is eating cereal at day care. They are also working with her on sitting up.¬†We’ll get her “growed up” yet! When I pick her up from day care she turns and smiles at me when she hears my voice and it is the total highlight of my day. ¬†On the school front, I will get a full refund of my tuition and fees for this semester since I withdrew within the deadline for total reimbursement. Last but not least, my mommy is coming to stay with us for a couple of days this week!

The moral of this post is to always look behind you when backing out of the garage and don’t take your running water for granted.

back to skoo

24 Nov

Whip out the Trapper Keepers and the Dukes of Hazard lunchboxes, it’s back to school time! At least it is for 30-something graduate students who have no business setting foot back into a college classroom.¬† Yet even as I type that I know its ridiculous to think that just because I’m not the “traditional” student that I should feel like I have no place back in college.

It’s just that walking through campus after meeting with my advisor last week, I felt so old. Ancient. Passe. Washed up. A fish out of water. A phony even.¬†Like I was just pretending to be a college student. I swear there was a flashing neon sign above my head with arrows pointing down at me that said “THIS WOMAN DOES NOT BELONG HERE. SHE’S A MOM.¬†SHE HAS¬†WRINKLES,¬†GRAY HAIR AND A MORTGAGE PAYMENT.¬†SHE REMEMBERS WHEN MC HAMMER WAS COOL AND WHEN SOME GUY NAMED REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.”¬†I promise the sign¬†over my head (or at least the one IN my head) said all of that. ¬†At the very least I felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter, but instead of Hester Prynne’s “A”, mine was an “O” for “Old”.¬†

What am I doing? Who do I think I am?

I only have one grad class under my ever expanding belt. I took a leave of absence last semester to, ahem, have a baby, and for some reason I’ve decided to go back. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve come to this decision. It’s not like the job market is clamoring for people with graduate English degrees, no offense.

So what the heck am I doing?

The noble answer to this question is to say its because I value continuing education, expanding my proverbial horizons and that I have an undying passion for literature and the English language.

But I suspect the more accurate answer is that MAYBE I’M JUST BORED.¬†AS WELL AS¬†A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.

I remember last semester (and it is well documented on this blog) all the angst that Literary Criticism class gave me.¬† So what is my deal? I confuse myself so I can only imagine what I do to other people. It’s not like I have a plan here.¬†And let’s be honest, if my employer didn’t have a tuition benefit program I wouldn’t be in grad school in the first place.¬†

But then again, is there anything wrong with being bored and trying out things you otherwise wouldn’t? Is there some law that says a 30-something mother can’t take a Composition Theory class?¬† Of course there isn’t.¬† And so, I will put on my¬†“confident face” and don my oh-so-hip Eddie Bauer backpack and race off to the humanities building after work¬†one night a week from January until May.¬† I’ll mingle with early-20-somethings and verbose English professors wearing corduroy jackets with elbow patches.¬†

And I’ll fit in just fine.¬† On the outside anyway.

i can’t even think of a title for this

21 Apr

I’ve failed at many things but the only one that I know of¬†that¬†is documented is a blazing red “F” next to Accounting 1100 amidst all the As and Bs on my college transcript.¬† I’m actually a bit proud of that F because it was the source of¬†a great lesson for me.¬† I¬†received the failing grade and then woke up the next morning.¬† The world had not ended, the sky had not fallen and I still had all my teeth and hair.¬† It taught this annoying straight A earning, Valedictorian type not to take herself so dang seriously and that failing once in a while is good for the character.¬† And then I got smart again real quick and realized that I needed to marry an accountant.¬† And so I did.¬† ūüôā¬† ¬†I keed I keed.¬† That’s not why I married The Accountant of course, but do you sense the irony?

I’m not sure why I’m writing this except to try and keep a sense of perspective and not lose my head over this final paper that is sucking the life out of me right now and happens to make up 30% of my grade.¬†¬† As I feared, the prof emailed me back and basically said “yep, I see that you are having trouble with this paper, call me”.¬† Not good people, not good.¬† I have one week to pull this together and I have no paper topic and no sense of what to pull out of my butt for a new one which seems to be the only solution at this point.¬† What to do?¬† I’m considering faking my own death, or at least hospitalization, blaming the Bean in some way, or simply disappearing from this particular college campus and not returning to the two class sessions I have left to attend.¬† Because running away is always the answer isn’t it?¬† Or at least sleeping until the problem goes away.¬†

Rock on.  Or not. 

Coming later this week Рpictures of The Accountant on the Rroof.  No fiddle involved.

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