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breaking

20 May

I have seen my father break. Crushed under the weight of the illness and death of his own father when I was a teenager. Then again when cancer took his mother and only brother within mere weeks of each other. I know what it looks like when my father breaks. And there is no shame or weakness in the breaking.

Now I watch my mother. I watch her carefully and in awe as she cares for her dying mother knowing that this will be their last Mother’s Day together in this life. I see my forlorn grandfather lean on his oldest daughter for support as he watches his partner of 63 years slip away from him. I watch my mother as she processes the loss of another family member who took their own life this very week.

Outwardly, my mother shows no signs of breaking. But I wonder when the cracks will show. My father and I wait until she leaves her brief respite to return to care for grandmother. Then dad and I cry together for her. We all break differently. And there is no shame in the breaking.

June 30, 1937 – May 15, 2018

yeah, its been a minute…

11 Nov

…but people keep dying and getting sick on me. Since my last post two more grandmothers have passed, this time on The Accountant’s side, and also within a few days of each other. Its been sad and exhausting. Four deaths within less than three months…too much. Kiddo has been sick with a stomach virus, then I got it and still have it, and now I think hubs has it but that remains to be confirmed. I have missed so much work I’m surprised I still have a job to go to. I felt like crap today but managed to drag myself in anyway and have felt better as the day has worn on. On the bright side, I’ve lost 5 pounds.

CandyCornKiddoIt hasn’t all been bad of course. Halloween fell in between sickness and it was a good one. And my kiddo…come on….the cuteness…she had a great time trick or treating in the neighborhood and giving mom all her candy because, junk food. Her father has brainwashed her with healthy talk.

Kiddo continues to do well in school. We made it past her first report card and parent teacher conference with flying colors and she still loves going every day. We are ramping up for a holiday season full of dance recitals, Thanksgiving school lunches and fall festivals so its going to get busy quick!

I’m anxious to get back on the bike and into the gym as that’s fallen apart due to life’s madness. All our big toys are currently residing in the unused breakfast areScreen Shot 2013-11-11 at 2.10.33 PMa because that makes sense right? That reminds me that I need to take the two bikes in for check ups. Random brain. I’m still holding steady weight wise but I’d like to just FEEL better and I know getting back to being active is key for me.

I’ve got a notion to try indoor rock climbing here soon so we’ll see. There are two great local facilities just waiting for me and my weak arms to embarrass themselves.

And birthdays!! Brother, sister-in-law, dad, niece all had big ones over the past couple of months. Mine is next. Ack. Then mom and grandpa’s. And my sweet friend Nora. Plus my parents’ anniversary. Party party party! Or maybe just, getting older. Woo.

And now that I have successfully held down a can of soup, I’m calling it a good day. Till next time. Ciao.

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5 Sep

Just a quick check in as its been a few days since I’ve posted. My grandmother passed away a few days ago so its been a difficult week. A difficult couple of weeks actually. I want to post about her. Soon.

Besides attending funerals, life is also otherwise busy. I have an old school planner that I use to semi-organize my life. Which basically means it barely keeps me from descending into chaos, but whatever. September is filling up quickly. Football games, lunches with friends, doctor appointments, a fashion show, birthday parties, kiddo’s school activities and deadlines, volunteer work, etc. But I like busy, most of the time.

The End.

 

it’s raining, it’s pouring

28 Aug

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

Life is not fair. Neither is death. A man should not have to bury his brother and on the same day, have to call in hospice for his mother. The antithesis of fair. But life isn’t designed to be fair, if there’s much design to it at all, which I frequently doubt.

Thank you to all who have offered thoughts, prayers, and words of comfort over the past weeks and in the days and weeks to come.

from the guest room

11 Jul

I love our guest room for some reason. Maybe because its rarely used and stays clean. Or because its cozy and quiet. The dog doesn’t come in here, the kiddo doesn’t either, nor The Accountant. Its an untouched space of sorts. That’s where I am now. Sometimes I’ll take my laptop in here and sit in bed and do my internet thang, or even read a real live honest to goodness book.

I get inklings of the same vibe I used to get when I’d go into my grandmother’s guest bedroom. Or maybe it was her regular bedroom, I’m not really sure. She and my grandfather slept in separate rooms (can’t blame her ’cause goodness that man could snore!) and when my brother and I would go stay with them we would get the back bedroom with the two twin beds in it and grandma would take the other spare room across from grandpa’s. I rarely ventured into that room but when I did go exploring I’d walk gingerly across the always freshly vacuumed carpet and dare not touch the immaculately made up bed. It seemed so…untouchable or something. Like a private space I didn’t want to disturb but that I loved to just stand quietly in.

And I really didn’t mean for this to turn into a post about a room but there ya go. I think I was going to write something about my day, feeling invisible, my abbreviated run that left me drenched tonight, the latest kiddo trick, how the new blog theme here is the result of deeply rooted boredom, etc. My brain takes me to unexpected places sometimes. I kind of like that.

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