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funny and serious

7 Aug

downI was reading something the other day that stuck in my brain and made me want to “write it out”.

What’s that saying about never letting anyone determine your self worth? Something like that. I make mistakes. Sometimes the same ones repeatedly. And there are times that I feel like I have imparted grace to others in multiple instances but don’t get that same consideration given back to me when its my turn to screw up. It is what it is.

I am not an inconsiderate person who hurts others intentionally, and it is hurtful when it is insinuated that I am. There are reasons people do the things they do, reasons they act a certain way, underlying causes. That doesn’t necessarily make them right but its a fact. My therapist is always telling me not to feel guilty for my feelings. I have them, they are there, they don’t go away just because I or someone else wants them to. Feelings are feelings and you have them, you can’t help it.

This is not about trying to justify actions or be some sort of martyr figure. I mess up. I say things that I shouldn’t. Lash out when its unreasonable and illogical. I regret it later and am sorry and will say so. And then I try to work on that and improve myself. Therapy is not a cakewalk folks. It is raw, and difficult, and takes guts. And I rehash the same issues over and over again in sessions. But I am trying. I am doing my best. That’s all I can do.

But enough about all that.

My parents sent me and kiddo a package the other day…my mom must be reading my blog because she sent me a journal to log all my dysfunctions. There are quotes throughout, mostly sarcastic which suits my personality, check-boxes to choose your vice for the day and space to write out the crazies. Hysterical. But probably quite useful.

journalThe End.

1 Jul

you know that feeling when you know you should go to bed because its really late but you don’t want to because your mind is whirling and you can’t shut your brain off, plus you’re not really sleepy and are just in that dreamy state of mind where random bizarre thoughts pop into your head and you are really considering driving to the airport and hopping a plane to Sao Paulo but in reality you know you can’t do that so you just think about it and decide to write in your journal instead but ten minutes later all you’ve done is doodle some daisies and 3D arrows so you get on the internet and google “how to interpret dreams”?

yeah, that.

old journal entries

16 Aug

I just want to sit here and watch the cars go by out of the corner of my eye. The wind is strong today. Trees are swaying. My hair is a wreck. A purple and blond striped fun wreck. There is a couple sitting on top of a picnic table several yards away from where I sit in my parked car. They’re dressed like they work in an office. Maybe they’re on their lunch break. There’s just enough distance between them to make me think they’re not used to each other. Not together. Not yet.

I wish I could test out different lives. Like those books I used to read in Jr. High. The ones with alternate endings. You could always go back and pick a different path if you didn’t like how one way ended. Although, I know me and I know I’d have to explore all possible endings just in case the one I picked wasn’t as good as the others. Never leaving well enough alone.

Ho hum. I’m sitting under hot lights that make me look like an alien in the hair salon. My stylist is trying out a new color technique she just learned at some hair show in NYC last week. Good thing I trust her and am not afraid of something funky and different. There’s an elderly lady under the dryer getting a perm. They still DO perms? I wonder if I’ll be one of those old ladies who get her hair did every week and teeter totters out of the salon with  a teased fuzzy halo. Griefers, I hope not.

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