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What is Happening?

19 Jun

I posted this on Facebook today but wanted it here as well.

A good portion of my job is to be on Facebook and social media in general. Otherwise, I would find right now a good time to take a break, and I think it will serve me well to go ahead and limit the amount of time spent on my personal account going forward anyway.

I rarely speak out politically, but there comes a time when making your position known is necessary because your silence feels like acquiescence. I’m disheartened (to put it mildly…enraged and disgusted are the better descriptors) by so many things going on in the world right now. Atrocities supported and defended based on unsourced or twisted information, outright lies or misrepresentations, memes for Pete’s sake, or political party affiliations blindly followed into some sort of dogmatic effed up dystopian world that we are going to find difficult or impossible to return from. All of this is surreal. What is happening?

Before I head to the doctor for a refill on much-needed antidepressants (not sarcasm, that is seriously happening in about 2 hours) and crawl back under the covers to shun the world (also happening after the doctor), here are some links to educate, dispell a few prevalent myths, and maybe do some good in this hot mess of a society we find ourselves in these days.

  1. FACT CHECK: Was the ‘Law to Separate Families’ Passed in 1997 or ‘by Democrats’?
  2. MYTHS: 9 Myths About Trump’s ‘Zero-Tolerance’ Policy
  3. HELP: Here’s How You Can Help Fight Family Separation at the Border

Be a good human. We are so much better than this.

Photo by Roi Dimor on Unsplash

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Since You’ve Been Gone

20 Apr

aaron-burden-363695-unsplash

I can breathe for the first time…Just kidding.

After about a year’s absence I kinda just have to start over here. Here are the major highlights:

  • I started a new job! 🙂
  • Our dog died. 😦
  • I restarted and then quit grad school. Again. 😦
  • I’ve gained about 20 pounds. 😦

One out of four is not great, I realize. But the steady stream of good stuff that has continued through 2017 and into this year serves to even it out I think. We’re calling it break even anyway.

First, the job. Y’all know I have complained ad nauseam about Cubicle Nation for-freakin’-ever. I have been at the new gig for over six months now and I’ll be honest, barring being a kept woman or a travel writer, this is about the ideal job for me at this time and place in my life. I’m doing fun social media, communication, writing things at a non-profit. The commute is still outrageous, but I do get to work one day a week from home. The other negative was that I took a god-awful huge pay cut, but the trade-off was worth it to do worthwhile, fulfilling, and creative work. So yay happiness!

Second, the dog. Our chocolate lab, Cooper was ten and a half, and after a couple of weeks of obvious illness, we found out he had cancer throughout his liver. We had to put him peacefully to sleep. I’ve never had to experience that before and it was heartbreaking. But there was no way I was going to see him not be able to get around and in pain. This was the right choice. One day (if I can convince hubs) maybe we’ll get another dog. For now, we’re adjusting to life without our Big Brown.

Third, grad school. I continued work on a graduate degree in Liberal Arts, did a few classes, then a major bout of depression hit me, and I quit. Plain and simple. It sucked, and I kind of hate myself for it. But then the new job came along and it doesn’t have the tuition benefit anyway, so I suppose it was meant to be – if you believe in all that Fate crap. Anyway, maybe anything past a Bachelor’s degree just isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ll go back someday. Time will tell.

Lastly, weight gain. What’s there to really say about that? I still struggle mightily with depression and all the food issues that go along with that. And I like my sweets and junk food, sue me. Living healthier is constantly on my mind; it’s the doing it that hinders me.

So there you have it. A year’s absence caught up in a few paragraphs. Here’s to reviving Finnspace.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

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the place

12 Feb

Sometimes you’re in the middle of folding laundry and are watching Abstract: The Art of Design on Netflix at the same time and thinking about how you’ve been in this really weird frustrating place for the past several days. It’s a place you find yourself over and over again, probably once every couple of months at a minimum. It’s restlessness to the extreme, but restlessness that causes stagnation. You have so many things you want to do and creative ways you want to spend your time that it overwhelms and you shut down because you don’t know where to go with it and you have so many other “real life” things that have to get done so those other things take a backseat yet again and this whole process just causes angst and irritation and well, stagnation. How can I be both/all things? I don’t have time for everything I want. Then I freak out and write in both first and third person on the blog I’ve neglected but love and frantically text my like-minded friends to vent. And then I go back to laundry and cubicle nation work. Because that’s what makes the suburban life go ’round, right? That’s what pays the bills and the health insurance, not my random ideas and creative bursts of whatever it is I do in my head but rarely do in reality. I’m having a moment of overwhelming-ness and tears and anger and panic over all of it. Is it a time management issue? Because even great artists and writers and creative people have kids and mundane responsibilities to handle. Maybe they don’t have the cubicle-nation job that stifles them until they can’t breathe, but some do. So how do they do it? There’s a sense of desperation in me right now that is suffocating. #franticwordvomit

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managing time

20 Dec

My time management skills are the pits. As are my organizational skills, which I feel would be much better if my time management skills were better. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Which came first, the organized Finn or the efficient Finn? Half the time I feel like I’m barely keeping it together without losing my mind, giving up, and just crawling under the blankets for the duration.

I have things to tell the internet. I turned 41. Physically I feel about 50, but mentally I’m at about 32. I should probably try to get those numbers closer together. I tried hypnosis a couple of months ago. That was interesting, if not all that productive. I finished my second semester of grad school. Got an A, by the way. The kid is like eight, going  on fifteen. She’s amazing and fantastic. My friends are amazing. We do cool stuff. Although one of them recently succeeded in heavily influencing me to sign up for yet another 1/2 marathon in the spring, so I’m not sure how cool that is but the dream is still alive y’all. I still struggle with my ever-increasing weight, depression, sense  of self. Life things that seem to intensify in your 40s.

I can’t promise that I’ll post here more often, but I’d like to. I’ve learned not to commit to much of anything. Easier not to disappoint that way.

Luckily, this quote remains true and gives me hope that one day I’ll get my shit together. Or at least embrace the lovely chaos that is me.

The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance. The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect, as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you chose.

— Arnold Bennett

2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

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Summertime

6 Jul

Here we are, in the throes of summer. It’s been a whirlwind so far. Austin with our friends was fantastic and I should share pics but I always say that and then never do it. Bad bad blogger. I had a solo work trip to the ATL which was alright as far as work trips go. Kiddo’s dance recital came and went and was deemed successful. She tried a new camp which turned into an epic fail. I remember hating camp too. The Accountant and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary by attending a baseball game and a Buddy Guy concert, both spectacular. I should REALLY share pics of the Buddy Guy concert as he was inches from me and was rockin’ out in the aisles. It was awesome. MC Hamster kicked the bucket after a year of living the good life. A good friend moved to Kansas. The pool has been seeing lots of action. Polly Prius is fabulous and I’m spending way less on gas, just don’t ask me to race. And random other life events that no one cares about but me.

That was the worst paragraph ever.

I’m in one of my restless stages. Bleh. Have a TON to do but no motivation or desire to be productive. Sometimes it seems to me that I was meant for more than this. But what that is, I have no clue.

Half marathon training officially began today. Day 1 is “Stretch and Strengthen” so I hit the weights at the gym this morning and went to a yoga class at lunch. Bam. Batting 1000. Tomorrow is a 3 mile run. Which in my case means a 3 mile walk/jog (wog). Close enough.

End post.

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I love this

22 Jan

REVERSE LIVING

Life is tough.
It takes a lot of your time,
all your weekends,
and what do you get at the end of it?
Death, a great reward.
I think that the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live twenty years in an old-age home.
You are kicked out when you are too young.
You get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you’re
young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You go to college,
you party until you’re ready for high school.
You become a little kid, you play,
you have no responsibilities,
you become a little boy or girl,
you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating.
And you finish off as a gleam in someone’s eye.

Norman Glass

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