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managing time

20 Dec

My time management skills are the pits. As are my organizational skills, which I feel would be much better if my time management skills were better. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Which came first, the organized Finn or the efficient Finn? Half the time I feel like I’m barely keeping it together without losing my mind, giving up, and just crawling under the blankets for the duration.

I have things to tell the internet. I turned 41. Physically I feel about 50, but mentally I’m at about 32. I should probably try to get those numbers closer together. I tried hypnosis a couple of months ago. That was interesting, if not all that productive. I finished my second semester of grad school. Got an A, by the way. The kid is like eight, going¬† on fifteen. She’s amazing and fantastic. My friends are amazing. We do cool stuff. Although one of them recently succeeded in heavily influencing me to sign up for yet another 1/2 marathon in the spring, so I’m not sure how cool that is but the dream is still alive y’all. I still struggle with my ever-increasing weight, depression, sense¬† of self. Life things that seem to intensify in your 40s.

I can’t promise that I’ll post here more often, but I’d like to. I’ve learned not to commit to much of anything. Easier not to disappoint that way.

Luckily, this quote remains true and gives me hope that one day I’ll get my shit together. Or at least embrace the lovely chaos that is me.

The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance. The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect, as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you chose.

— Arnold Bennett

morning ride and the state of my brain

15 Oct

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 10.08.29 AMI thought since last night’s walk was so pain free and relatively easy that this morning’s bike ride would be the same. Um, no. Apparently my legs are still in rebellion mode because those 6 miles were more than a bit lackluster. There is one TINY hill on this route and I was struggling to get up it. But it still felt good to be back on the bike. Tonight I’ll walk the pup again and call it a day.

Things are pretty meh in my head today. I feel like my head and my heart are never simpatico. I feel like I’ve always made smart decisions, practical logical decisions and where has that gotten me? A big house in the suburbs, sure. A job that pays for the house in the suburbs, yes. Some nice toys, you bet. But for all of those things, I still feel like I’m in the wrong place. Not where I’m supposed to be. In the right place as far as my brain is concerned, but not so much where my heart is concerned. I love my family. I have a good life. But while my body is there physically, my head and heart are somewhere else. I need them to match up somehow. Its a quandary for sure.

For one thing, I don’t feel fulfilled in my work and that would make a HUGE difference in my mindset and matching up that whole heart vs. brain thing. And its why I volunteer but that doesn’t pay the bills. I feel trapped by a dependance to pay the bills. Hell, I feel trapped by having to be a responsible adult. But I digress. Its soul numbing to feel like you aren’t making a difference. That you’re just taking up space. Wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to remedy this but I feel like I go through this career cycle thing every few years and haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I fail at career development because I don’t know what I want my career to be, and when I actually say out loud, “I want to be a travel writer and a nomad”, people just look at me funny. And by the way, I hate that word “career”. It sounds so…stuck, trapped, non-flexible. Ugh, frustrated.

Anyway, just feel like I’m failing at life lately. Thus, meh.

funny and serious

7 Aug

downI was reading something the other day that stuck in my brain and made me want to “write it out”.

What’s that saying about never letting anyone determine your self worth? Something like that. I make mistakes. Sometimes the same ones repeatedly. And there are times that I feel like I have imparted grace to others in multiple instances but don’t get that same consideration given back to me when its my turn to screw up. It is what it is.

I am not an inconsiderate person who hurts others intentionally, and it is hurtful when it is insinuated that I am. There are reasons people do the things they do, reasons they act a certain way, underlying causes. That doesn’t necessarily make them right but its a fact. My therapist is always telling me not to feel guilty for my feelings. I have them, they are there, they don’t go away just because I or someone else wants them to. Feelings are feelings and you have them, you can’t help it.

This is not about trying to justify actions or be some sort of martyr figure. I mess up. I say things that I shouldn’t. Lash out when its unreasonable and illogical. I regret it later and am sorry and will say so. And then I try to work on that and improve myself. Therapy is not a cakewalk folks. It is raw, and difficult, and takes guts. And I rehash the same issues over and over again in sessions. But I am trying. I am doing my best. That’s all I can do.

But enough about all that.

My parents sent me and kiddo a package the other day…my mom must be reading my blog because she sent me a journal to log all my dysfunctions. There are quotes throughout, mostly sarcastic which suits my personality, check-boxes to choose your vice for the day and space to write out the crazies. Hysterical. But probably quite useful.

journalThe End.

this is why i’m in therapy folks

25 Jul

Texts this morning from yet another friend who is struggling for different reasons. Sometimes people are incredibly mean, closed minded, and heartless in their well-meaning-ness, if that makes any sense. I know life is difficult and there are struggles to be had. Its not all peachy keen, hunky dory, sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but I really don’t think it should be THIS hard for some people to find happiness. Sue me.

I had a bit of clarity last night. Something obvious that I hadn’t thought of in this particular way I guess. Not that it was all that helpful but more, interesting. I do this thing where I put different scenarios in my head and daydream about “test driving” them to see if that’s the ticket to contentment and fulfillment and all that crap. Like….Oh, I wonder if I’d be happy being a hobo travel writer? Or, maybe I’ll try teaching English in Thailand…how about waiting tables at a Parisian sidewalk cafe and I’ll live in a dumpy hipster flat in Montmartre. Etc etc. I’m a hopeless dreamer and while a nice mental escape, when you have to let reality hit you in the face, it can be quite the downer if you let it. Which I am an expert at doing.

So I realized that I don’t have to stress over exactly WHAT it is that I want/need, I just need the flexibility and freedom to SEARCH for it. That’s it. Flexibility and freedom. What’s that thing Emerson said about life being a journey and not a destination? That. The problem with my little bout of clarity is the fact that I don’t really have a plan to go about getting the flexibility/freedom for all my wanderings. Then you have to think about money and bills and responsibilities, yada yada yada. So you throw up your hands and say screw it, hand me a third cupcake and yes, we can watch Tangled for the millionth time after I empty the dishwasher. The moral of the story is…being a responsible adult can be frustrating and suffocating for some of us.

Life is short and the world is wide (Simon Raven). And I’m freaking out that I’m missing it. I want to do things, see things. Bigger things. Enter obligatory disclaimer…not that the life I have is bad, not that the life I have isn’t full of good and beautiful things and people….but, there’s much more out there that I’m missing. I know you can’t do everything but….grrrrr. You can’t live wishing you’d done this or that but I do it all the time. I should’ve joined the Peace Corps, I should’ve studied abroad, I should’ve bungee jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, etc. No, I do not care about doing the damn laundry, can’t you see I’m busy hiking the Alps in my brain!!?!?!

Something is seriously wrong with me.

And this has turned into a rather depressing post and I really didn’t mean for it to.

Meh.

too much

4 Sep

3:00 AM seems to be my time. My time to what, I don”t know exactly, just “my time”. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on kiddo’s floor (yet again) but here I am. Eating Honey Nut Cheerios from the box and struggling to remember my WordPress password because I don’t log in as much as I used to. I remembered it, obs. And dang, I am too old to be using terms like “obs”.

Part of the reason I haven’t posted much lately is that I am in this place where I’m extra conscious about what I put online. I’m kind of feeling a need to withdraw a bit and put less out there for reasons that I won’t go into here because, well, that would just be the ultimate irony wouldn’t it? Ha. Even though it is censored, sometimes life just seems too transparent when things are posted for the world to see if they stumble upon it or seek it out, either way. You never know who is reading and sometimes when you find out, its surprising. And just weird. There are options of course…the primary one is making this blog private, for my close friends and family only. Becoming less active or even deactivating Facebook, Twitter, etc. Maybe being extra conscious is enough but I don’t like the way that makes me feel. Constrained and limited. And y’all know how I hate to be constrained and limited. Repetitive themes my whole life.

And so, I sit here at 3:00AM and think about such things when it would probably be more productive to be prepping clothes and lunches for tomorrow to make my morning run smoother.

1 Jul

you know that feeling when you know you should go to bed because its really late but you don’t want to because your mind is whirling and you can’t shut your brain off, plus you’re not really sleepy and are just in that dreamy state of mind where random bizarre thoughts pop into your head and you are really considering driving to the airport and hopping a plane to Sao Paulo but in reality you know you can’t do that so you just think about it and decide to write in your journal instead but ten minutes later all you’ve done is doodle some daisies and 3D arrows so you get on the internet and google “how to interpret dreams”?

yeah, that.

paranoia and good things

30 Jun

I am the champion of all things paranoid. Or something like that. Life is really good right now and I sometimes feel like I’m teetering on a tower of blessings and good things that will sooner or later, topple to the ground when something bad happens to disturb it. And I wonder if I’m jinxing it by even writing this. See? Paranoid. I am enjoying my job immensely and that, my friends, has NEVER been the case for me. Home life is good, family life is good, friend life is good, social life is good, etc etc. I am a lucky girl.

Nothing is perfect of course and I have some inner conflicts that have been there for a while but those are easy to push aside and ignore for a bit. Otherwise though, good stuff is going on. And yet, there is that nagging in the back of my brain because you never know when things are going to turn. A local blogger who I don’t know personally, only though mutual friends and the powers of social media, recently had unexpected tragedy strike with the loss of the love of her life. I can’t imagine how to deal with something as horrible and shocking as that and it scares the heck out of me. Even though I don’t know her, I’ve been thinking about her a lot and wishing her strength and some form of peace.

I know you can’t live life dreading things that may or may not happen. The lesson is one we hear all the time; live one day at a time and treasure each moment to the fullest. Cliche isn’t it? But relevant and true.

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