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managing time

20 Dec

My time management skills are the pits. As are my organizational skills, which I feel would be much better if my time management skills were better. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Which came first, the organized Finn or the efficient Finn? Half the time I feel like I’m barely keeping it together without losing my mind, giving up, and just crawling under the blankets for the duration.

I have things to tell the internet. I turned 41. Physically I feel about 50, but mentally I’m at about 32. I should probably try to get those numbers closer together. I tried hypnosis a couple of months ago. That was interesting, if not all that productive. I finished my second semester of grad school. Got an A, by the way. The kid is like eight, going  on fifteen. She’s amazing and fantastic. My friends are amazing. We do cool stuff. Although one of them recently succeeded in heavily influencing me to sign up for yet another 1/2 marathon in the spring, so I’m not sure how cool that is but the dream is still alive y’all. I still struggle with my ever-increasing weight, depression, sense  of self. Life things that seem to intensify in your 40s.

I can’t promise that I’ll post here more often, but I’d like to. I’ve learned not to commit to much of anything. Easier not to disappoint that way.

Luckily, this quote remains true and gives me hope that one day I’ll get my shit together. Or at least embrace the lovely chaos that is me.

The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance. The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect, as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you chose.

— Arnold Bennett

mish mash

15 Feb

Whew, it’s only Saturday afternoon and this weekend has exhausted me already. In all good ways though.

On the job search front…I applied for what looks like an amazing position and got a very positive response the next afternoon. The HR representative said they were interested in talking to me about it and she sent me an official application to fill out and asked for my references. I have the paperwork all ready to scan and email back to her tomorrow. I don’t want to get my hopes up but this looks promising and I am crossing my fingers for an interview with them very soon. In the meantime, I continue to look and apply. Something great is going to happen. I just know it.

Cuban Black Beans and RiceFriday I stayed home and did housework stuff and made a Cuban black beans and rice dish in the lazy cook’s favorite appliance, the ever amazing crock pot. It turned out really yummy and I’ll definitely make it again. I’ll try a new vegetarian crock pot dish next week. This seems to be my new thing.

That evening, Valentine’s Day exploded all over the kitchen. Kiddo had a great day with Valentines 2014school parties and such, and hubs and I had one of our sweetest and best V-Day’s ever, right here at home. Although I think I have made an unfortunate discovery…I am about 75% sure that chocolate is causing me some headaches. I know chocolate is a headache trigger for some people but I had hoped the Universe would never be so evil as to curse me with this particular malady, given that chocolate is one of my main food groups. I assure you that I will continue to test this theory in the name of science and will keep you posted.

That night I tried my best to go to bed early because I had to be up by 5:30 to get downtown to do a 5K with some friends. So of course, knowing that I needed to get rest psyched me out and I didn’t sleep worth a dern. But I still Hot Chocolate 5K Feb2014managed to get up and ready in time to meet mah peeps and get to my designated corral. I think I’ve mentioned a few posts ago that I haven’t ran in months so this race was strictly for the social aspects alone. Oh, and the hot chocolate of course since it was the Hot Chocolate 5K/15K after all. Here are a few pics from the grand event, minus my friend Nat who left early afterwards and another friend who bailed altogether because of the cold. Boo. But y’all it was COLD. So very cold. I walked a bit and jogged a bit more. I was on track to get a better time than expected until the hill from hell rose up in front of me and it was a long one. Hello glutes workout. I was huffing and puffing up that crazy hill and spotted my friend Leland coming to join me. He’d finished already and had come back to pull me to the end. It really did help a lot too and I ran the rest of the way. My time still sucked mind you but I didn’t care. That’s what happens when you don’t train. There was, as the name promised, hot chocolate at the finish line and chocolate fondue even! Yes, I now have a headache but it was worth it. Hot Chocolate 5K Feb2014a

Still on the running and racing topic, every time I do a race I get re-jazzed and want to sign up for another one. If I could just be consistent with training, I know I could kill some finish time goals and get some PRs. Maybe with the warmer weather and spring coming up (if that ever happens) I will be motivated to get out there more.

Happy weekend and here’s to ushering in springtime a little bit faster!

It’s spring fever.  That is what the name of it is.  And when you’ve got it, you want – oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!  ~Mark Twain

 

 

it’s raining, it’s pouring

28 Aug

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

Life is not fair. Neither is death. A man should not have to bury his brother and on the same day, have to call in hospice for his mother. The antithesis of fair. But life isn’t designed to be fair, if there’s much design to it at all, which I frequently doubt.

Thank you to all who have offered thoughts, prayers, and words of comfort over the past weeks and in the days and weeks to come.

this is why i’m in therapy folks

25 Jul

Texts this morning from yet another friend who is struggling for different reasons. Sometimes people are incredibly mean, closed minded, and heartless in their well-meaning-ness, if that makes any sense. I know life is difficult and there are struggles to be had. Its not all peachy keen, hunky dory, sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but I really don’t think it should be THIS hard for some people to find happiness. Sue me.

I had a bit of clarity last night. Something obvious that I hadn’t thought of in this particular way I guess. Not that it was all that helpful but more, interesting. I do this thing where I put different scenarios in my head and daydream about “test driving” them to see if that’s the ticket to contentment and fulfillment and all that crap. Like….Oh, I wonder if I’d be happy being a hobo travel writer? Or, maybe I’ll try teaching English in Thailand…how about waiting tables at a Parisian sidewalk cafe and I’ll live in a dumpy hipster flat in Montmartre. Etc etc. I’m a hopeless dreamer and while a nice mental escape, when you have to let reality hit you in the face, it can be quite the downer if you let it. Which I am an expert at doing.

So I realized that I don’t have to stress over exactly WHAT it is that I want/need, I just need the flexibility and freedom to SEARCH for it. That’s it. Flexibility and freedom. What’s that thing Emerson said about life being a journey and not a destination? That. The problem with my little bout of clarity is the fact that I don’t really have a plan to go about getting the flexibility/freedom for all my wanderings. Then you have to think about money and bills and responsibilities, yada yada yada. So you throw up your hands and say screw it, hand me a third cupcake and yes, we can watch Tangled for the millionth time after I empty the dishwasher. The moral of the story is…being a responsible adult can be frustrating and suffocating for some of us.

Life is short and the world is wide (Simon Raven). And I’m freaking out that I’m missing it. I want to do things, see things. Bigger things. Enter obligatory disclaimer…not that the life I have is bad, not that the life I have isn’t full of good and beautiful things and people….but, there’s much more out there that I’m missing. I know you can’t do everything but….grrrrr. You can’t live wishing you’d done this or that but I do it all the time. I should’ve joined the Peace Corps, I should’ve studied abroad, I should’ve bungee jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, etc. No, I do not care about doing the damn laundry, can’t you see I’m busy hiking the Alps in my brain!!?!?!

Something is seriously wrong with me.

And this has turned into a rather depressing post and I really didn’t mean for it to.

Meh.

what a difference a day makes

23 Jun

That title applies to many things recently but I’ll keep it to post-op issues here. Bottom line, I’m feeling a million times better. Mouth is still sore but no need for the big gun pain meds as Advil is working pretty well. I had my first solid food today, a turkey dog and it tasted like heaven. I’m cautiously optimistic even though the surgical assistant chick said that some people have some swelling and pain issues on Day 5 for some weird reason but we are just going to assume that won’t happen and carry on about our bizniz.

The quote below has nothing to do with the paragraph above but I like it a lot.

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

– Jim Morrison

it just hit me

10 Sep

My little brother is getting married tomorrow. What’s that you say? Come again? My little brother is getting married tomorrow? I’ve been busy packing and ironing (I only iron when I’m severely stalling on the packing thing) but I just sat down to take a breather and it hit me. My little brother is getting married tomorrow. Wow.

Bro is three years younger than me so he’s no longer that kid who used to trade seriously hard arm punches with me and who I would get so irritated with that I would sigh and huff in exasperation and roll my teenaged girl eyes to the ceiling. He’s a grown man about to, gulp, get married to a great girl and friend. They really are the perfect pair.

Hey bro, remember that time I flew down The Hill on my bike and ran into you on your tricycle at the bottom? We had an oh-so-awesome-and-epic-crash and my parents still tell that story. I think that day gave Dad a few extra gray hairs because all he could do was watch it happen and wait for the aftermath. And remember your first haircut? I gave it to you with those plastic kiddie scissors we used to cut construction paper with. Mom was on the phone I think and I decided that your lovely curls needed a’trimming. And remember how on report card day mom and dad would buy us a box of Little Debbies and a soda and we’d have “report card parties”? And remember how when it snowed we’d get dad’s snow shovel and use it to sled down The Hill? And remember when dad used to take us to the Memphis Zoo and we’d get lost every single year?  And remember spending the weekends at gramma and grandpas and sliding in our sock feet through the kitchen and utility room Risky Business style? And how all the grandparents let us stay up until 10pm exactly and how grandpa would sit in his recliner and snore and I’d cast wary glances at his brass spittoon that looked so gross but smelled so good? Remember?

Now you have new memories to make, just like I’ve made new ones with my spouse. It’s a fun time little brother. Be a man, take care of her, treat her nice and buy her flowers every now and then. I love you.

It snowed last year too:  I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.  ~Dylan Thomas

aaaaaand here we are

28 Apr

Hi. I’m in one of those “I feel like talking/typing but I have nothing of value to say but am going to post anyway” kind of moods. Which usually ends up to be long rambling paragraphs about baby poop or the dream I had last night. But you don’t mind or else you wouldn’t be here reading. Or maybe you’ve already clicked off and are perusing elsewhere by now. And I’m good with that because I don’t know if you did that or not, nor do I care because this is my spot in the cyberverse so everyone just do their thang and we’ll all live in peace and harmony. Capeesh?

Today started off unusually horribly and has now tapered off to just the usual general horrible-ness. Ha. Y’all know you love my cynicism. I’ve spent all day redoing, adding to, b.s.ing my way through a document that no one will read, nor does anyone care about. It’s lame busy work and I wanted to scream and throw things and spit and roll naked down the hall in protest. But I did not. What I did was smile, nod, say “sure, no problem” like I always do and then stick my tongue out at the back of the offending party as she moved on to other meaningless tasks. Because I am a whiney adolescent at heart. But I am a whiney adolescent with a college degree hanging on my beige office wall dammit. So a big boo-ya to that, bishes.

Moving on to kid stuff…kiddo is an alien in my house. I have no idea who this creature is that does new and strange things every day, blows chunks of half chewed cheddar goldfish all over my face and gives me snotty kisses. Last night she insisted that I wear the fairy wings (yeah, you know the ones) and just do nothing. Just wear the wings mommy, really, that’s all I want. And so I did and she wore hers and we watched Sesame Street and ran around the living room. She’s started calling the dog (Cooper), “poop-poop” because either she can’t say “cooper” or she just thinks calling the dog “poop-poop” is funny. I kind of like Poop-poop better too so maybe I’ll start calling him that as well. Make life a bit more interesting for the canine ya know.

Book stuff…book club is this Saturday and we’re reading The Help, by Kathryn Stockett. Recommended to me by my mom and then I recommended it to the book club because any book my mom likes is usually one I will like as well. That said, have I read it yet? Heck no. I’ve got a great start though. Its really good, I just seem to be easily distracted and am reading about four books at once. Focus is a quality I have completely lost. I’m determined to finish it by Saturday though. Although, I could continue to fuel my reputation as the bookclub slacker…

Misc stuff….

I need to email my mom and my friend in NY, and call another friend. I’m kind of bad at keeping in touch. I used to be awesome at it but now…not so much. That focus problem maybe. Who knows.

Gettin’ ma hair did tomorrow night, which means I’ll be putting the base color on tonight. Woot. Then I’m planning to cause a big scene on Monday by marching my crazy headed self up to this really really really annoying lady who insulted my parenting skilz because of my hair and say “yo, gotz ma hair did…you like? no? oh, bet you wouldn’t like my tattoo either…wanna see? no? ohhhhh, dangzit, i can smell my kiddo doing meth right now because her momma done got crazy colored streaks in her hair, inked up and pierced…heaven for-freakin’-bid”. And then I’m flouncing off like I’m the coolest thing since those pants she’s wearing pulled up to her droopy boobages. Boo-ya again!

I’m off work Friday. Double freakin’ woot. The plan is to finally finish painting my bathroom. Second coat. We gotta get moving on selling the house again now that tax season has bit the dust. Too bad I’m not more excited about moving but it’s just gonna be across town so the scenery will be basically the same. I prefer bigger changes but this will be a nice diversion.

Did you see the quote I found about cheese today? It made me giggle. “Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality”. – Clifton Fadiman

Peace out. Word. Whatever.

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