Sometimes you’re in the middle of folding laundry and are watching Abstract: The Art of Design on Netflix at the same time and thinking about how you’ve been in this really weird frustrating place for the past several days. It’s a place you find yourself over and over again, probably once every couple of months at a minimum. It’s restlessness to the extreme, but restlessness that causes stagnation. You have so many things you want to do and creative ways you want to spend your time that it overwhelms and you shut down because you don’t know where to go with it and you have so many other “real life” things that have to get done so those other things take a backseat yet again and this whole process just causes angst and irritation and well, stagnation. How can I be both/all things? I don’t have time for everything I want. Then I freak out and write in both first and third person on the blog I’ve neglected but love and frantically text my like-minded friends to vent. And then I go back to laundry and cubicle nation work. Because that’s what makes the suburban life go ’round, right? That’s what pays the bills and the health insurance, not my random ideas and creative bursts of whatever it is I do in my head but rarely do in reality. I’m having a moment of overwhelming-ness and tears and anger and panic over all of it. Is it a time management issue? Because even great artists and writers and creative people have kids and mundane responsibilities to handle. Maybe they don’t have the cubicle-nation job that stifles them until they can’t breathe, but some do. So how do they do it? There’s a sense of desperation in me right now that is suffocating. #franticwordvomit
humble pie for breakfast
10 NovIts 5:00 am and entirely too quiet, too dark, and too cold for the madness that is me getting up to go for a wog (walk/jog) this morning. The argument in my head was of the classic angel vs devil variety.
My Head: Its a new day! Go wog. You’ll be glad you did.
My Bed: Its soooo warm and cozy in here, isn’t it?
My Head: Shut up. Don’t encourage her to be a lazy, albeit well rested, chunky butt.
My Bed: You could get an hours extra sleep if you stay. Sleep is important for overall well-being and happiness.
My Head: Hey, Procrastinator Polly. I know you, if you don’t do it now, you won’t do it at all.
My Bed: You can just do it after work. The snooze button is your friend.
I finally shut them both down with a brisk “don’t think, just do” mantra and went outside, purposely leaving the side door unlocked so I could get back in.
It was cold this morning y’all. (Hush, Northerners, I hear you laughing at my aversion to getting out in balmy 30 degree temps.) But I readied my ear-buds, got my app started, and set out in a most zombie-like fashion. It wasn’t pretty but it was done.
My Head: Now, to get a shower, get the kiddo ready and delivered to school. I’m actually ahead of schedule so I bet I can make a quick grocery run after dropping her off and even get to work early. I WILL WIN MONDAY, YES I WILL!
Cue LOCKED DOOR.
No worries, the lights are on. The family is obviously awake since all lights were off when I left. I’ll just knock calmly and someone will let me in.
Crickets.
No biggie, they are probably just making breakfast and can’t hear me. I’ll just knock a bit louder.
Even quieter crickets.
The only family member who comes to the door is the one without useful thumbs…the dog.
Which brings to mind the reason that I am probably locked out. I deduce that The Accountant let the dog out to pee and out of habit, locked the door when he let pup back in. An honest mistake, although an irritable one since I had texted him to tell him I was going for a morning walk/jog.
Its cool, I’ll just try knocking LOUDLY on another door.
Silence.
By now my acquired body heat from the morning’s activity has worn off and I am getting cold. And quite angry because I have since realized that The Accountant is probably partaking in a nice warm shower and can’t hear me at all, and kiddo has been taught to never open the door to anyone if mom and dad are not around. Especially not to stark-raving mad lunatics who are banging at the back doors at 5:45 in the morning.
I now begin texting The Accountant…
Semi-Reasonable Finn: Dude, I’m locked out.
I move to the front door and ring the doorbell over and over again like a complete psycho.
Furious texting ensues…
Less-Reasonable Finn: #%$&@! THAT’S IT! I’M NEVER MAKING YOU POPCORN AGAIN! @ %&#@*! DO NOT SPEAK TO ME FOR 24 HOURS, AT LEAST! @&%$!*!
Are they even in there???
Completely Lost Her Mind Finn Who Is Convinced She Is Going To Freeze To Death While Wearing A Sweaty Turned Clammy Sports Bra And Mismatched Running Socks: @ %&#@!*! You are in the shower aren’t you!?!?!? @#%&$ HOW DARE YOU BE TAKING A SHOWER WHILE THE WOMAN WHO BIRTHED YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER IS OUT HERE FREEZING HER ASS OFF BECAUSE YOU LOCKED HER OUT!!!! @&%$!*! @&%$!*! @&%$!*! HOW.DARE.YOU!!!!
As I’m peering in through the window pane in between repeated mad ringing of the doorbell, I see a stark naked kiddo with a huge striped beach towel wrapped on top of her head cautiously peering around the corner. SALVATION! “Its ok, its mommy, its ok, its just mommy!” I yell at her. She tentatively approaches, unlocks the door and gives me a wary stare. I immediately worry that I’ve scared the poop out of her with all my banging and ringing and carrying on but she seems unscarred and only in need of minor therapy later in life. I explain to her that daddy locked me out and thank her for rescuing me from certain death on the mean streets of a suburban subdivision.
Then I get THE text, accompanied by mental divorce papers.
“I didn’t touch the door.”
You all know how this ends, right?
Sheepish Mommy: Kiddo, did you let the dog out?
Kiddo (looking dubious): Yeeeeeees?
Sheepish Mommy: And did you let him back in and then lock the door?
Kiddo (now looking around desperately for escape routes): Yeeeees?
Guilt-ridden Mommy: Its ok. You did exactly like you’re supposed to. Lock the door when you let the dog in and out, and do not ever open the door when mommy and daddy aren’t here. Mommy just thought your father locked me out and I got a little…antsy. Ahem.
The Accountant enters and Awkward Damage Control Wife appears, apologetic and embarrassed. The grovelling was not pretty but it was absolutely necessary after my legendary fit.
Suffice it to say, this wasn’t the best morning for positive spousal relations. You know what they say about assuming.
The Accountant and I have since repaired the damage to our relationship for the most part, although I am doomed to be reminded of these events until the day I die. But at least I won’t die of hypothermia because I plan to take a house key with me from now on.
I lost my job today
10 FebYes, you read that right.
This was not unexpected, given the state of our government funding situation and other circumstances, but as much as I have been preparing for this day in my brain, it is still somewhat of a shock and a huge mental adjustment now that it is a confirmed reality.
Hubs has also been preparing for this turn of events and he is being super supportive. I am so thankful for his level head and money management/planning skills right now.
I know there is a positive side to this that I will uncover in a few days after I’ve digested things. But right now I’m doing the mourning thing, also known as crying all afternoon and stressing out.
So anyway. Happy Monday?
a gold pin and other things
8 JanYesterday I made a last minute adjustment to my plans to return to work and decided to go back home after dropping kiddo at camp. I had a “me” day and it was glorious. The electricity was going off and on most of the morning and I may or may not have been stuck outside waiting for it to come on again because I didn’t have a house key and had to rely on the garage door to open in order to get inside. But I had a good book and a full tank of gas so I was content for the few minutes it took to come back on. And I realize that these are privileged suburban problems so shut up.
Back to work today and it was nice to see my crazy coworkers again. I also got my 10 year pin. Gulp. Ten years of employment represented by a little gold pin. I can’t decide if that’s depressing or worthy of celebration. A bit of both I think. Its kind of like a birthday where you look back and wonder where the years have gone and what, if anything, you’ve accomplished. And wonder if you can do better going forward and omg did I just waste the last x amount of time and I can’t ever get those years back and hello panic attack, where are my meds and a frikken paper bag….or maybe that’s just me.
Although they started a couple of hours late today, kiddo’s return to school was a triumphant one and she was in a great mood tonight. I think she has been ready to get back to normal too and missed her friends a lot.
This has been a post and I’m going to read a bit more on my book now.
G’night.
morning ride and the state of my brain
15 Oct
I thought since last night’s walk was so pain free and relatively easy that this morning’s bike ride would be the same. Um, no. Apparently my legs are still in rebellion mode because those 6 miles were more than a bit lackluster. There is one TINY hill on this route and I was struggling to get up it. But it still felt good to be back on the bike. Tonight I’ll walk the pup again and call it a day.
Things are pretty meh in my head today. I feel like my head and my heart are never simpatico. I feel like I’ve always made smart decisions, practical logical decisions and where has that gotten me? A big house in the suburbs, sure. A job that pays for the house in the suburbs, yes. Some nice toys, you bet. But for all of those things, I still feel like I’m in the wrong place. Not where I’m supposed to be. In the right place as far as my brain is concerned, but not so much where my heart is concerned. I love my family. I have a good life. But while my body is there physically, my head and heart are somewhere else. I need them to match up somehow. Its a quandary for sure.
For one thing, I don’t feel fulfilled in my work and that would make a HUGE difference in my mindset and matching up that whole heart vs. brain thing. And its why I volunteer but that doesn’t pay the bills. I feel trapped by a dependance to pay the bills. Hell, I feel trapped by having to be a responsible adult. But I digress. Its soul numbing to feel like you aren’t making a difference. That you’re just taking up space. Wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to remedy this but I feel like I go through this career cycle thing every few years and haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I fail at career development because I don’t know what I want my career to be, and when I actually say out loud, “I want to be a travel writer and a nomad”, people just look at me funny. And by the way, I hate that word “career”. It sounds so…stuck, trapped, non-flexible. Ugh, frustrated.
Anyway, just feel like I’m failing at life lately. Thus, meh.
maybe I AM having a midlife crisis thing
3 Aug
Day one of two days of Basic Rider course happened today. I didn’t crash. There were no injuries. There was only one teeny tiny issue of the forgotten use of a kickstand causing a subsequent topple to the ground of myself and a bike on top of my “good” foot. But we won’t speak of that. I think I aced the written exam today. What I suck at? Shifting gears. Tomorrow is more riding instruction and the road test. Lucky for the public, the road test doesn’t actually take place on the road so rest easy y’all.
And now I am crashing (as in going to bed, not literally crashing) because I need to be there early tomorrow to practice, you guessed it, using the clutch and the proper use of kickstands. Goodnight.
cue annie lenoxx broken glass song
12 JulBecause I win at life lately, I just spilled a bunch of tea inside the refrigerator and on the floor. Even better, I dropped a glass and it shattered into a million shards of feet shredding danger bits all over the tile floor. I vacuumed but shoes would be a good idea in the kitchen until I can mop and re-vacuum tomorrow. Thought you should know. For those of you coming over for breakfast or whatever.
Ok, enough about my clumsiness. Today was rather weird but instead of discussing that, I’ll just tell you what I did like a good lil’ blogger.
The Accountant was off work today as well and took kiddo to school so I got to sleep in. Heaven. I miss sleeping in so much. I remember before kiddo I’d sleep in till 11 or 12 noon. Heaven. But I digress…
Then it was off to my favorite wildlife rehabilitation place for a meeting with the animal care director. This lady might be one of the most passionate and committed people I’ve ever met. I envy that so much. Knowing that you are doing what you are meant to be doing with your life. Again, digression. I didn’t get a chance to talk with her much at my first visit and this was very productive and she gave me a lot of additional insights into their most dire needs. Which are pretty much volunteers and funding. The lack of serious and committed volunteers is astounding compared to what is needed to suitably run the place. I plan to do what I can to help with the social media but now I’m also hoping to volunteer in other aspects as well. Getting my hands dirty for sure.
Gym time this afternoon was good, if a bit rushed. I took a rest day yesterday and today was cross training. I got in 18.5 miles on the bike, upper body work, and various crunches. I have my Garmin all set up with the running intervals I’m slated to do tomorrow but I’m going to see how the foot feels and will lay off another day or two if necessary. I have connected with a good running group on Facebook set up by a friend of mine from high school and made up of a lot of people from my home county and beyond. We post our runs and progress, local races and results, and general support. Its nice to have that right now. I would like to connect and get involved with the running group in my current city, I just need to do it.
The weekend is pretty jammed with activities to keep minds and bodies busy so I expect the next couple of days to fly by. I welcome that.
