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the place

12 Feb

Sometimes you’re in the middle of folding laundry and are watching Abstract: The Art of Design on Netflix at the same time and thinking about how you’ve been in this really weird frustrating place for the past several days. It’s a place you find yourself over and over again, probably once every couple of months at a minimum. It’s restlessness to the extreme, but restlessness that causes stagnation. You have so many things you want to do and creative ways you want to spend your time that it overwhelms and you shut down because you don’t know where to go with it and you have so many other “real life” things that have to get done so those other things take a backseat yet again and this whole process just causes angst and irritation and well, stagnation. How can I be both/all things? I don’t have time for everything I want. Then I freak out and write in both first and third person on the blog I’ve neglected but love and frantically text my like-minded friends to vent. And then I go back to laundry and cubicle nation work. Because that’s what makes the suburban life go ’round, right? That’s what pays the bills and the health insurance, not my random ideas and creative bursts of whatever it is I do in my head but rarely do in reality. I’m having a moment of overwhelming-ness and tears and anger and panic over all of it. Is it a time management issue? Because even great artists and writers and creative people have kids and mundane responsibilities to handle. Maybe they don’t have the cubicle-nation job that stifles them until they can’t breathe, but some do. So how do they do it? There’s a sense of desperation in me right now that is suffocating. #franticwordvomit

2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

morning ride and the state of my brain

15 Oct

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 10.08.29 AMI thought since last night’s walk was so pain free and relatively easy that this morning’s bike ride would be the same. Um, no. Apparently my legs are still in rebellion mode because those 6 miles were more than a bit lackluster. There is one TINY hill on this route and I was struggling to get up it. But it still felt good to be back on the bike. Tonight I’ll walk the pup again and call it a day.

Things are pretty meh in my head today. I feel like my head and my heart are never simpatico. I feel like I’ve always made smart decisions, practical logical decisions and where has that gotten me? A big house in the suburbs, sure. A job that pays for the house in the suburbs, yes. Some nice toys, you bet. But for all of those things, I still feel like I’m in the wrong place. Not where I’m supposed to be. In the right place as far as my brain is concerned, but not so much where my heart is concerned. I love my family. I have a good life. But while my body is there physically, my head and heart are somewhere else. I need them to match up somehow. Its a quandary for sure.

For one thing, I don’t feel fulfilled in my work and that would make a HUGE difference in my mindset and matching up that whole heart vs. brain thing. And its why I volunteer but that doesn’t pay the bills. I feel trapped by a dependance to pay the bills. Hell, I feel trapped by having to be a responsible adult. But I digress. Its soul numbing to feel like you aren’t making a difference. That you’re just taking up space. Wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to remedy this but I feel like I go through this career cycle thing every few years and haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I fail at career development because I don’t know what I want my career to be, and when I actually say out loud, “I want to be a travel writer and a nomad”, people just look at me funny. And by the way, I hate that word “career”. It sounds so…stuck, trapped, non-flexible. Ugh, frustrated.

Anyway, just feel like I’m failing at life lately. Thus, meh.

various thoughts at 3 am

14 Aug
  • Emotional rollercoaster today. It’s not something I can explain here. Its just…all the things. Bleh. Life is weird.
  • As mentioned in the title, it’s an ungodly hour and momma is up pacing, nervous as a cat. #1stdayofkindgergarten
  • Last day of daycare today for kiddo. Teary pickup. Last long commute home with her. Not so teary, for me anyway as kiddo was in a mood. Probably nervous like momma. It was a big day for her.
  • Today (Wednesday) is my Friday and it will be abbreviated. Not complaining there.
  • I feel like I am losing control of my exercise and eating. Again. My time management and organizational skills are nil and I’ve been preoccupied, by design. I’m all over the place. I’m so sick of starting and stopping and starting over a million zillion times. Why can’t I be consistent with anything? Frustrated with myself.
  • I got to take The Trekster out for an abbreviated spin after work. It was short and unsatisfying because, five year old who wants mommy like humans want air. But, I could at least tell that I made a great choice and am going to love this bike for a long time.
Trekster

Trek FX 7.4…in mah driveway

 

 

 

 

Better stock photo

Better stock photo

Yesterday’s workout

29 Jul

Because you care.

I decided to give the foot another day off. Plus, I’m scared I will go crazy if I run on it and it acts ugly so I’m delaying expected disappointment. Such a great attitude I have, I know.

Anyway, the gym was good for me as it always is. Mind clearing and blood pumping and stress reducing. Good stuff!

Tonight…an attempted run I hope.

Walking:
0:23:15.3 || 1.3 mi || 17:21.5 min/mi || flat

Cycling (stationary):
0:45:00 || 10.6 mi || 3.5 %

Machine Seated Row:
30 lb x 10 reps
30 lb x 10 reps
30 lb x 10 reps

Reverse Grip Triceps Pushdown:
20 lb x 20 reps
20 lb x 20 reps
20 lb x 20 reps

Machine Bicep Curls:
20 lb x 3 reps
10 lb x 10 reps
10 lb x 10 reps
10 lb x 10 reps

Machine Chest Press:
30 lb x 10 reps
30 lb x 10 reps
30 lb x 10 reps

Leg Extensions:
20 lb x 10 reps
20 lb x 10 reps
20 lb x 10 reps

Seated Leg Curl:
30 lb x 12 reps
30 lb x 12 reps
30 lb x 12 reps

this is why i’m in therapy folks

25 Jul

Texts this morning from yet another friend who is struggling for different reasons. Sometimes people are incredibly mean, closed minded, and heartless in their well-meaning-ness, if that makes any sense. I know life is difficult and there are struggles to be had. Its not all peachy keen, hunky dory, sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but I really don’t think it should be THIS hard for some people to find happiness. Sue me.

I had a bit of clarity last night. Something obvious that I hadn’t thought of in this particular way I guess. Not that it was all that helpful but more, interesting. I do this thing where I put different scenarios in my head and daydream about “test driving” them to see if that’s the ticket to contentment and fulfillment and all that crap. Like….Oh, I wonder if I’d be happy being a hobo travel writer? Or, maybe I’ll try teaching English in Thailand…how about waiting tables at a Parisian sidewalk cafe and I’ll live in a dumpy hipster flat in Montmartre. Etc etc. I’m a hopeless dreamer and while a nice mental escape, when you have to let reality hit you in the face, it can be quite the downer if you let it. Which I am an expert at doing.

So I realized that I don’t have to stress over exactly WHAT it is that I want/need, I just need the flexibility and freedom to SEARCH for it. That’s it. Flexibility and freedom. What’s that thing Emerson said about life being a journey and not a destination? That. The problem with my little bout of clarity is the fact that I don’t really have a plan to go about getting the flexibility/freedom for all my wanderings. Then you have to think about money and bills and responsibilities, yada yada yada. So you throw up your hands and say screw it, hand me a third cupcake and yes, we can watch Tangled for the millionth time after I empty the dishwasher. The moral of the story is…being a responsible adult can be frustrating and suffocating for some of us.

Life is short and the world is wide (Simon Raven). And I’m freaking out that I’m missing it. I want to do things, see things. Bigger things. Enter obligatory disclaimer…not that the life I have is bad, not that the life I have isn’t full of good and beautiful things and people….but, there’s much more out there that I’m missing. I know you can’t do everything but….grrrrr. You can’t live wishing you’d done this or that but I do it all the time. I should’ve joined the Peace Corps, I should’ve studied abroad, I should’ve bungee jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, etc. No, I do not care about doing the damn laundry, can’t you see I’m busy hiking the Alps in my brain!!?!?!

Something is seriously wrong with me.

And this has turned into a rather depressing post and I really didn’t mean for it to.

Meh.

head meet ache meet perspective

18 Jul

No workout tonight. My head is splitting. Pain. I’m guessing a combo of being a girl (yay, lucky me, men are stupid*, don’t look at me in that tone of voice, etc), and the fact that I ate weirdly and non-healthily today. And did I mention the cramps? TMI? Oh, I’m sorry but this is my blog and I’ll talk about my female issues if I wanna. xoxo. Oy vey.

Tomorrow I’m volunteering at a food drive/giveaway thing for a few hours. I may have a headache but some people don’t have enough food to eat or a roof over their head. So with that humbling thought in mind, I’m popping some motrin and hitting the sack.

Peas n’ carrots.

*I really don’t think men are stupid. However, if I could will them the woman’s-once-a-month-curse I would totally do it. Oh, and childbirth. That is all.

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