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Since You’ve Been Gone

20 Apr

aaron-burden-363695-unsplash

I can breathe for the first time…Just kidding.

After about a year’s absence I kinda just have to start over here. Here are the major highlights:

  • I started a new job! 🙂
  • Our dog died. 😦
  • I restarted and then quit grad school. Again. 😦
  • I’ve gained about 20 pounds. 😦

One out of four is not great, I realize. But the steady stream of good stuff that has continued through 2017 and into this year serves to even it out I think. We’re calling it break even anyway.

First, the job. Y’all know I have complained ad nauseam about Cubicle Nation for-freakin’-ever. I have been at the new gig for over six months now and I’ll be honest, barring being a kept woman or a travel writer, this is about the ideal job for me at this time and place in my life. I’m doing fun social media, communication, writing things at a non-profit. The commute is still outrageous, but I do get to work one day a week from home. The other negative was that I took a god-awful huge pay cut, but the trade-off was worth it to do worthwhile, fulfilling, and creative work. So yay happiness!

Second, the dog. Our chocolate lab, Cooper was ten and a half, and after a couple of weeks of obvious illness, we found out he had cancer throughout his liver. We had to put him peacefully to sleep. I’ve never had to experience that before and it was heartbreaking. But there was no way I was going to see him not be able to get around and in pain. This was the right choice. One day (if I can convince hubs) maybe we’ll get another dog. For now, we’re adjusting to life without our Big Brown.

Third, grad school. I continued work on a graduate degree in Liberal Arts, did a few classes, then a major bout of depression hit me, and I quit. Plain and simple. It sucked, and I kind of hate myself for it. But then the new job came along and it doesn’t have the tuition benefit anyway, so I suppose it was meant to be – if you believe in all that Fate crap. Anyway, maybe anything past a Bachelor’s degree just isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ll go back someday. Time will tell.

Lastly, weight gain. What’s there to really say about that? I still struggle mightily with depression and all the food issues that go along with that. And I like my sweets and junk food, sue me. Living healthier is constantly on my mind; it’s the doing it that hinders me.

So there you have it. A year’s absence caught up in a few paragraphs. Here’s to reviving Finnspace.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

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the place

12 Feb

Sometimes you’re in the middle of folding laundry and are watching Abstract: The Art of Design on Netflix at the same time and thinking about how you’ve been in this really weird frustrating place for the past several days. It’s a place you find yourself over and over again, probably once every couple of months at a minimum. It’s restlessness to the extreme, but restlessness that causes stagnation. You have so many things you want to do and creative ways you want to spend your time that it overwhelms and you shut down because you don’t know where to go with it and you have so many other “real life” things that have to get done so those other things take a backseat yet again and this whole process just causes angst and irritation and well, stagnation. How can I be both/all things? I don’t have time for everything I want. Then I freak out and write in both first and third person on the blog I’ve neglected but love and frantically text my like-minded friends to vent. And then I go back to laundry and cubicle nation work. Because that’s what makes the suburban life go ’round, right? That’s what pays the bills and the health insurance, not my random ideas and creative bursts of whatever it is I do in my head but rarely do in reality. I’m having a moment of overwhelming-ness and tears and anger and panic over all of it. Is it a time management issue? Because even great artists and writers and creative people have kids and mundane responsibilities to handle. Maybe they don’t have the cubicle-nation job that stifles them until they can’t breathe, but some do. So how do they do it? There’s a sense of desperation in me right now that is suffocating. #franticwordvomit

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2016 so far

24 Jan

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

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the nothing that turned into a post

13 Mar

I think of a jillion things to write about here during the day or when I’m in the shower or otherwise not at the keyboard. Then when I sit down to write, my mind goes blank and all I can think of is what I ate for lunch or what I did at work today. And who wants to read about that? Anywho. Brains love to shut down when you need them most.

I was thinking today about how incongruent my age is with my career (and I use that term very loosely). Meaning, I’m surrounded by younger people who are in higher level positions than I am. The other day I overheard someone say how they had “just turned 31” and today another person was complaining about how they were “nearly a 30 year old woman with a good job and a house…” and apparently weren’t being treated as such by their parents. Yes, you know I rolled my eyes.

I know a lot of it is an education issue. Unlike all the 20-30 somethings at the office, I don’t have a Master’s or any degrees above my lowly Bachelor’s. Nothing is stopping me from going back to school except the lack of desire for anything other than maybe a liberal arts degree or something humanitarian in nature.

Besides the education thing, there’s also an ambition thing. Climbing the ladder or being high woman on the totem pole has never been my thing. The thought of having to manage people gives me hives and I have no desire to be a “leader” in that way.

Best I can tell, I’m pretty ok with all of this, as lazy and unambitious as that may sound to some. It’s just interesting to me. I find the difference between me and my office mates thought-provoking, or something. Our mindsets in no way match up.  Its like some sort of social science experiment/phenomena that I’m observing from inside the gray fabric walls of my cubicle.

Maybe that makes me weird. Probably.

So here’s to owning your weirdness.

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A Stuart Smalley moment

20 Nov

I fell asleep at 7:30 with the kiddo, and just woke up after much tossing and turning at 10:30 and put her in her own bed. I would have just let her stay but I noticed a work email on my phone and needed to log on to email to check something. Plus, this kid kicks. Really, “needed” is not true. It would have waited until tomorrow but I was wary about this one.

I’m currently working with a pretty high profile person on a grant and I’d prepared some slides that I’ll be presenting at a meeting in a few weeks. I took the assignment and ran with it and had sent the slides to my mentor for feedback with the comment to be brutal with suggestions and any redirection. Hello Nervous Finn. I tentatively opened the attachment to see that she had made only one sentence change and one very constructive suggestion, which I will include tomorrow.

Sigh of relief and huge grin.

Which got me to thinking about how I always second guess my abilities and what I am capable of. I’m a smart cookie but one whose confidence is easily shaken and it drives me crazy. Surrounding yourself with people who believe in you is definitely helpful but not always possible and you have to prove yourself in many cases and/or fake it till ya make it. Which I can do but its usually anxiety inducing for me.

I am lucky that some bizarre alignment of the stars has recently put me back into contact with someone who, for reasons I will never know and my best guess is that I charmed her with my magnetic personality (sarcasm), believes in me and has for years. I interviewed for a job as her assistant way back when and she decided that I was “over qualified” but wanted to work with me in some way. She knew of a position elsewhere that she thought I’d be suited for and viola, we made it happen and I worked there until the funding ran out. During that time I did some ad hoc website building for her on the side and learned a lot from that experience. After the Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 11.19.19 PMwebsite work, she and I lost touch for a bit. Then I found a new job and it turns out that my mentor works with this department on a consultative level and she found out that I had since landed there. She expressed the desire to my boss that she’d like to work with me again and repeat viola – now much of my current responsibilities are working with her. Its funny how things work out sometimes.

It is very important to me that I do a good job for her and I value her opinion and expertise so much. She is one of those rare people who are brilliant at what they do and want to help others find their place and actually takes the time to help them do so. Even a minion like me.

And as I am drugged up on Benedryl I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but the minion picture is super cute so we’re gonna call it a win.

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Sunday, 11/09/14

9 Nov

The work-week ended on a pretty positive note. The two meetings giving me ants in mah pants both turned out well enough. I went to an information session for Doctors Without Borders on Thursday. That was eye-opening and a great perspective check. They do such amazing work and shared many photos and stories from different missions. I was later irritated when someone told me they think I like the “idea” of doing something like that but not the actual doing of it. I was only taking a step to get more information about something I’m interested in. Whether I ever do anything like that or not, I can still support it and others who do it. Anywho. Love and light, love and light.

Flexibility is AgelessFlexibility when plans go awry has been the theme of this weekend. The original plan was to do the emPower 5K with my sister-in-law, but her grandmother had been ill and passed away. 😦 I know how tough the loss of a grandparent is and my heart goes out to her and her family. I was planning to drive home for the funeral and to see family but then kiddo began a nasty bout with a stomach virus Friday night that has lasted into Sunday. The final result was a restless (and rather gross) night and remaining in pajamas all day. Hopefully we are on the mend now and will be back to normal on Monday.

Today I’m rather meh and I’m positive its because I’ve been in PJs all weekend and haven’t done anything. Lethargy breeds lethargy. Time to move. Or bake. Preferably both.

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Wednesday, 11/05/14

5 Nov

When in doubt, use today’s date in lieu of a clever blog post title.

Today was much better, aIMG_20141105_210453_173 copyttention span wise. I got some things done that I’d been putting off and all was good. I have a couple of big meetings tomorrow that I’m antsy about but nothing I can’t handle I’m sure. Confidence is key. Or something like that. Some project shifting has occurred at the office and so far, this has been to my benefit. Because wanting to gouge my eyes out from boredom due to a project that was a bad fit? Not fun. Tolerable but not fun. Plus, now instead of one big project that consumes 90% of my time, my ADD brain is spread across multiple ones. As a girl who likes change and variety, this is right up my alley.

I am now officially a Mac user at home. Hallelujah! I have always been a PC girl until a new job a few years ago only used Macs. The learning curve was minimal and I found that Macs just fit my brain better. Of course, since then I’ve changed jobs and am back in PC-land, Cubicle Nation. Sigh. Can’t win for losing. Total first world problems I know. So anyway, I am happy to have a Mac for personal use and kiddo will inherit the antique Sony Vaio as soon as I wipe it.

This election thang that just happened…It fascinates me how people can interpret the same Amendment or law or book or anything, in so many different ways. Conviction and passion for what you believe in are wonderful things and I fully believe that our differences are what makes life great. If we all thought the same way life would be very 1984-like. Snooze-fest Central. Social science fascinates me and I love learning about why people think and feel the way they do about certain issues and talking to people with differing viewpoints. Must be why I like to sit back and watch the fireworks on Facebook or Twitter when polarizing issues in politics and religion come up. I saw this on someone’s page today and it just makes me laugh every time I read it…”I want gay married couples to be able to protect their marijuana plants with guns”. Snort.

Aaaaand I promised myself I’d be in bed by 10:00pm and here it is 10:03. Peas ‘n carrots all.

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