Tag Archives: all the feels

guilt, uselessness, and two kinds of bikes

31 Jul

“Your guilt-meter is so jacked up”….actually said to me by my shrink today. She pulls no punches and I love that. We talked about guilt, which seems to be a theme in my life. I am full of “shoulds”…I should feel this way, I should act that way, I should believe such and such, I should do this, I shouldn’t do that…and when I don’t feel or act or do what I’ve been conditioned to think that I “should”, I subsequently feel guilty about it. Sheesh. What’s wrong with just being me? Authentic, real, guilt free, ME. Is that so awful? We also discussed freedom and flexibility, relationships, and motorcycles.

I’ve decided that I’m feeling useless lately. I don’t talk about my job here but its in a weird place (figuratively) and is the root of much of this useless feeling. So I’m trying to fulfill that need elsewhere with my volunteering (which also serves as a distraction) and extracurricular activities I suppose. I just want to feel like I’m doing something helpful, fulfilling, and not lame. That’s all I wanna be really…not lame.

This weekend I will be taking a two day long class in order to get my motorcycle license. Yes mom and dad, you read that correctly. I am a nervous wreck (pun intended) and a skeered lil’ girl. But, I am doing this! I have ridden with The Accountant and have walked and coasted a tiny bit by myself on his bike but never actually driven it myself. I can however, ride a bicycle so I have totally got this. Right? Right. Which is a nice segue into my next bit o’ news…

I’m getting a road bike, as in the kind that you pedal. A friend and I are going to the bike shop next week just to look and maybe get me measured, although we could do that part ourselves. But I know nothing about them and my friend knows a lot about them. I have connections folks. I’ve decided that I want to add some variety to my fitness routine and running is hard on the body so this will give my joints a break and some new way to get hurt. Haha. Another friend has mentioned doing a duathlon with her but that is far far far in the future. It is nice to think about though. For now, I’ll get a decent used starter bike and go from there. Total newbie here so advice and input welcome.

Rawk on.

 

 

brooding thoughts

14 Jun

Today was craptastic on a few levels. I felt like I disappointed someone very dear to me and then I felt belittled by another.

I suppose I shouldn’t “feel” so much and both of those problems would’ve been moot, but that’s rather alien-esque isn’t it? To not feel what you feel because you simply feel it. Good grief, someone must have spiked my drink.

I would say that I wasn’t myself but being spastic, moody, and dark is authentically me, as much as I hate to admit it.

How do you live in the moment and not in what you think the future might be? Doing that ruins the moment that you DO have in anticipation of a moment that you might NOT have.

I’m deep tonight y’all. Go to sleep.

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