Tag Archives: grad school

Since You’ve Been Gone

20 Apr

aaron-burden-363695-unsplash


I can breathe for the first time…Just kidding.

After about a year’s absence I kinda just have to start over here. Here are the major highlights:

  • I started a new job! ūüôā
  • Our dog died. ūüė¶
  • I restarted and then quit grad school. Again. ūüė¶
  • I’ve gained about 20 pounds. ūüė¶

One out of four is not great, I realize. But the steady stream of good stuff that has continued through 2017 and into this year serves to even it out I think. We’re calling it break even anyway.

First, the job. Y’all know I have complained ad nauseam¬†about Cubicle Nation for-freakin’-ever. I have been at the new gig for over six months now and I’ll be honest, barring being a kept woman or a travel writer, this is about the ideal job for me at this time and place in my life. I’m doing fun social media, communication, writing things at a non-profit. The commute is still outrageous, but I do get to work one day a week from home. The other negative was that I took a god-awful huge pay cut, but the trade-off was worth it to do worthwhile, fulfilling,¬†and creative work. So yay happiness!

Second, the dog. Our chocolate lab, Cooper was ten and a half, and after a couple of weeks of obvious illness, we found out he had cancer throughout his liver. We had to put him peacefully to sleep. I’ve never had to experience that before and it was heartbreaking. But there was no way I was going to see him not be able to get around and in pain. This was the right choice. One day (if I can convince hubs) maybe we’ll get another dog. For now, we’re adjusting to life without our Big Brown.

Third, grad school. I continued work on a graduate degree in Liberal Arts, did a few classes, then a major bout of depression hit me, and I quit. Plain and simple. It sucked, and I kind of hate myself for it. But then the new job came along and it doesn’t have the tuition benefit anyway, so I suppose it was meant to be – if you believe in all that Fate crap. Anyway, maybe anything past a Bachelor’s degree just isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ll go back someday. Time will tell.

Lastly, weight gain. What’s there to really say about that? I still struggle mightily with depression and all the food issues that go along with that. And I like my sweets and junk food, sue me. Living healthier is constantly on my mind; it’s the doing it that hinders me.

So there you have it. A year’s absence caught up in a few paragraphs. Here’s to reviving Finnspace.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

back to skoo

24 Nov

Whip out the Trapper Keepers and the Dukes of Hazard lunchboxes, it’s back to school time! At least it is for 30-something graduate students who have no business setting foot back into a college classroom.¬† Yet even as I type that I know its ridiculous to think that just because I’m not the “traditional” student that I should feel like I have no place back in college.

It’s just that walking through campus after meeting with my advisor last week, I felt so old. Ancient. Passe. Washed up. A fish out of water. A phony even.¬†Like I was just pretending to be a college student. I swear there was a flashing neon sign above my head with arrows pointing down at me that said “THIS WOMAN DOES NOT BELONG HERE. SHE’S A MOM.¬†SHE HAS¬†WRINKLES,¬†GRAY HAIR AND A MORTGAGE PAYMENT.¬†SHE REMEMBERS WHEN MC HAMMER WAS COOL AND WHEN SOME GUY NAMED REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.”¬†I promise the sign¬†over my head (or at least the one IN my head) said all of that. ¬†At the very least I felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter, but instead of Hester Prynne’s “A”, mine was an “O” for “Old”.¬†

What am I doing? Who do I think I am?

I only have one grad class under my ever expanding belt. I took a leave of absence last semester to, ahem, have a baby, and for some reason I’ve decided to go back. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve come to this decision. It’s not like the job market is clamoring for people with graduate English degrees, no offense.

So what the heck am I doing?

The noble answer to this question is to say its because I value continuing education, expanding my proverbial horizons and that I have an undying passion for literature and the English language.

But I suspect the more accurate answer is that MAYBE I’M JUST BORED.¬†AS WELL AS¬†A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.

I remember last semester (and it is well documented on this blog) all the angst that Literary Criticism class gave me.¬† So what is my deal? I confuse myself so I can only imagine what I do to other people. It’s not like I have a plan here.¬†And let’s be honest, if my employer didn’t have a tuition benefit program I wouldn’t be in grad school in the first place.¬†

But then again, is there anything wrong with being bored and trying out things you otherwise wouldn’t? Is there some law that says a 30-something mother can’t take a Composition Theory class?¬† Of course there isn’t.¬† And so, I will put on my¬†“confident face” and don my oh-so-hip Eddie Bauer backpack and race off to the humanities building after work¬†one night a week from January until May.¬† I’ll mingle with early-20-somethings and verbose English professors wearing corduroy jackets with elbow patches.¬†

And I’ll fit in just fine.¬† On the outside anyway.

taking a break

29 Sep

I’m not sure the bed is the optimal study area.¬† I’m sitting up in bed with my laptop, GRE books, study CDs,¬†papers, notebooks, pens, highlighters, cell phone, emergency kleenex for my sneezes, beverages, and¬†poptarts spread all around me on top of the quilt and on the nightstand.¬† I should probably move to my desk because my butt keeps falling asleep but it would be a whole lotta trouble to move all this crap.¬† Besides, I’d have to clean off my desk so this will have to do.¬†

Poor Cooper is being a bit ignored today because this is my cramming weekend and The Accountant is working on the lawn mower.¬† But I don’t feel too bad about it.¬† Yesterday doggie dearest chewed through the strap of my favorite bra (it wasn’t on silly)¬†and headbutted me like a dang goat when I was bent over in the yard tying my shoe.¬† It hurt and about knocked me silly.¬† Goofy boy.¬†

So this weekend I have a numb butt and a headache.  Oy.

doubting and questions

23 Sep

Please excuse my fit of panic yesterday.¬† It’s just a bit overwhelming when confronted with bits of knowledge that¬†I haven’t had to use in years¬†but that I have to resurrect to pass some test, only to brain dump it all once more, never to be used again.¬† Seems a tad bit silly doesn’t it?¬†

I managed to get some good study time in yesterday and it doesn’t seem quite as scary now.¬†

Sidenote: must the Texans play like doo today?¬† ‘Cause that’s what they’re doing right now.

I’m also rolling around this decision to return to school in my head and am second guessing a lot of things.¬† I just don’t know.¬† Am I doing this only because I’m bored?¬† Because I¬†AM bored people.¬† Out of my freakin’ mind.¬† Desperately, extremely and terribly disinterested and weary.¬†¬† I need something new and have needed that for a very long time.¬† Too long.¬† But what happens when I pass the test, get into grad school and graduate from grad school?¬† What then?¬† All the while, I’ll still be doing the big bad terribly boring thing along the way.¬† Can I stand it?¬† Good decision, bad decision?¬† Will I go through all this only to end up still engaged in the big bad terribly boring thing?¬† Is it going to be a big fat waste of money and time?¬†

Maybe I need to go on Roadtrip Nation instead. 

uh oh

22 Sep

I am too old to be studying. 

I do not remember how to calculate the area of a circle.¬† I do not remember what absolute values, binomials or rational exponents are.¬† Nor do I recall the root of the word “circumnavigate” or what an analogy bridge is.¬†

I am going to fail.

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