Tag Archives: journalling

funny and serious

7 Aug

downI was reading something the other day that stuck in my brain and made me want to “write it out”.

What’s that saying about never letting anyone determine your self worth? Something like that. I make mistakes. Sometimes the same ones repeatedly. And there are times that I feel like I have imparted grace to others in multiple instances but don’t get that same consideration given back to me when its my turn to screw up. It is what it is.

I am not an inconsiderate person who hurts others intentionally, and it is hurtful when it is insinuated that I am. There are reasons people do the things they do, reasons they act a certain way, underlying causes. That doesn’t necessarily make them right but its a fact. My therapist is always telling me not to feel guilty for my feelings. I have them, they are there, they don’t go away just because I or someone else wants them to. Feelings are feelings and you have them, you can’t help it.

This is not about trying to justify actions or be some sort of martyr figure. I mess up. I say things that I shouldn’t. Lash out when its unreasonable and illogical. I regret it later and am sorry and will say so. And then I try to work on that and improve myself. Therapy is not a cakewalk folks. It is raw, and difficult, and takes guts. And I rehash the same issues over and over again in sessions. But I am trying. I am doing my best. That’s all I can do.

But enough about all that.

My parents sent me and kiddo a package the other day…my mom must be reading my blog because she sent me a journal to log all my dysfunctions. There are quotes throughout, mostly sarcastic which suits my personality, check-boxes to choose your vice for the day and space to write out the crazies. Hysterical. But probably quite useful.

journalThe End.

Aside 3 Feb

I just read this in my journal and it made me cry.

Its like I need someone’s permission to be happy…someone’s blessing of sorts. Its so weird. And it makes me angry. Why am I hinging my own happiness on others? Why can’t I make my own way, make my OWN happiness? Is it because I’m a kind person who puts others before myself in all things? Am I TOO caring? Why can’t I tell people to just f*ck off so I can f*cking LIVE, so I can f*cking BREATHE?!?!

dear diary, you crack me up

4 Mar

Heh. Sometimes I’ll go back and read through old entries in my journal. Various reactions follow including mass amounts of cringing, eye rolling, “good grief”s, face reddening, scrunching up of the nose or squinting of the eyes, and sometimes a smile or smirk.

Here are some of the more tame, short exerpts from my journal, minus the context, that made me do one or more of those things.

  • wow, I’m a dork. the end.
  • Mondays suck. They suck big fat rounded objects that taste bad.
  • She glared at everything from behind Nine West eyeglasses and freshly razored bangs.
  • And Newscoma was there! So awesome to meet her as I read her blog all the time!
  • I need to Google.
  • This is not a yip or a woof, this is a country-coon-dog-deep-guttural-passionate-my-life-is-over yowl. Moaning as if her life will surely end if she does not tree that squirrel immediately.
  • As the figuring out my life thing was not going so well, I did the next best thing and went to help mom hang wallpaper. Yes I know I am teetering on the brink of insanity.
  • Bastards. Positive, positive, be positive.
  • I’m pregnant!!!! Holy Sh!t!!!
  • I’m not pregnant…started bleeding…
  • I love him. I just do.
  • Don’t feel so trapped. Having options gives you power.

So many more gems I could include but these were the ones I noticed at a quick glance through.  

Observations: It seems I curse a lot when I write in my journal. Sorry mom, I just do. And whine a lot. And am brutally honest. And am raw. And am just…me.

Peace.

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