Tag Archives: therapy

Therapy: On Feeling Better

25 May

My latest therapy session was a good one. We spent a lot of time talking about simply wanting to feel better and using that as motivation rather than relying on a number on the scale or the size of my pants to dictate my mood.

I’m feeling all of my 42 years plus about 10 more these days. I shouldn’t struggle so much to get up off my kid’s floor, be winded after climbing a few stairs, or be so stiff that I have to literally roll off the bed and hobble to the bathroom because my joints haven’t “warmed up” yet.

Realistically, the goal of having a taut, lean body are long gone. I’ve lowered my standards and they are twofold.

1. Feel better physically overall.

2. Belly less protruding than boobs.

That’s legit it, and I really don’t think this is unachievable. Until I actually try to do it. I sounds like the cliched broken record here but, do you know what I had for dinner tonight? Leftover pizza and raw cookie dough. I KNOW that is not going to make me feel better physically and yet I do it again and again and again. Which tells me that this is more of a mental struggle than anything. Conquer the mind and you conquer the body, right? So how does one do that? I have zero clue and thus the cycle continues.

Dr. B and I talked about just focusing on doing fun things that I enjoy and that are active. Indoor rock climbing and cycling came to mind. I’ve done both and enjoy them, as much as I’m going to enjoy any physical activity. A further stretch is getting back into a dance class – maybe belly dancing even. I mean, I already have the belly so I figure I have a head start on that one.

I dunno. I tend to think that I should have this figured out by now and I feel really dumb for still struggling with this stuff at my age. I’m trying to ward off an impending funk but all I can think about as I stuff junk food in my face is how I’m getting fatter and fatter. Which carries over into my confidence in other areas and down the rabbit hole we go. Maybe there will be pie at the bottom.

Photo by Bekir Dönmez on Unsplash

stress and therapists who text

17 Jul

Today was super stressful. Lots to do and my head just wasn’t in it. My brain was not working at all and I was struggling with concepts that should have been relatively simple. My boss probably thinks I’m a total doofus. Oh well. I powered through anyway and managed to get all the things done that were required. Small victories. Hopefully I didn’t screw anything up.

A therapy appointment that went over didn’t help my stress level either. It was productive as usual however. Its almost like sitting in a class about yourself. You’re the student and the therapist is the teacher…teaching you things about yourself that you may or may not know or realize. Its a bizarre thing at times. I should probably take notes.

And is it weird that my therapist texted me? I didn’t even realize she had my number and I was sitting in the waiting room and get a text from a number I didn’t recognize saying that this person was running late but would be there in five minutes. I didn’t answer and I thought there was a chance it was the doc but dismissed the thought until she comes in and says “hey did you get my text”? It just struck me as weird. Then at the end of the session she said she would text me some information on meditation resources and she did. Its like we’ve reached a whole new level in our relationship or something. Ha.

Ok, some yahoo crazy cuckoo person (me), booked a 5:45AM flight for in the morning. My reasons were noble (to maximize time with my friends) but man, getting up in four hours is gonna hurt tomorrow. I’ll manage on adrenaline alone though. I love traveling solo. Love it love it love it. I’ll be in Pittsburgh by lunchtime and all will be well.

Long morning ride

29 Sep

092813_Bike_RideI got 21 miles in this morning on Trekster. It felt amazing. Perfect weather, perfect scenery. The only thing that wasn’t perfect was my sore tailbone but that’s a small price to pay for cheap therapy.

Speaking of therapy (am I awesome at segues or what?), mine went well the other day. I’m feeling better after, as well as thanks to some great friends I’ve been able to hang out with lately. I always seem to come out of those black periods and be ok until the next one hits. So I’ll ride this wave as long as I can. Its all I can do.

Dr. B asked me some great questions, which I couldn’t answer definitively at the time but they sure gave my brain a workout thinking about them. One was “what are you getting out of x situation?” and another was “Do you really like running?” She meant literally running by the way. Many times I try to force myself into being (or trying to be) something that I’m not, but I try to put a round peg in a square hole because that’s what I think I SHOULD do. She also told me that someone was talking to her about Burning Man the other day and she immediately thought of me. It has always been on my bucket list and she strongly recommended that I look into it and/or other festivals and events like it and participate in one within the next six months. It does seem an appropriate compromise to abandoning ship and running away to Timbuktu eh?

And I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a self analysis. To sleep for me.

Ciao.

 

shrinkage…

20 Feb
ME

me, today

…of the head. Therapy of the mental sort continues once or twice a month. I just got back from today’s session. I started about a year ago this April. It has been both helpful and confusing and disturbing and unsettling and amazing. The benefits and enlightenment that comes from being able to talk to a neutral party about anything without fear of judgement, being the subject of gossip, or getting the stink-eye is quite profound. Or can be if you have a good therapist. Otherwise I can see how it would just be really awkward and weird.

I wasn’t convinced at first and I was my shy closed-off self for the first few sessions. I assume that’s perfectly normal and I needed convincing that this stranger wasn’t going to sell my juicy life story (shut up) to the tabloids and ruin me forever. I needed time to build trust. Now Dr. B probably wishes I’d shut up and stop cursing.

Oh, just remembered that I have chocolate pudding in my lunch box cooler contraption….#brightshinything

Now, back to the happenings in my brain. Therapy has been helpful in various aspects of my life and the root of some confusion in others. At the beginning, and in part due to my naturally cynical nature, I had reoccurring thoughts that it was possible that therapy could be creating problems that weren’t there or mental angst that was unnecessary. Ignorance is bliss right? I don’t believe that any longer but I can see how someone could have that “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” mentality.

It’s scary as hell too, but in that freeing way when you have had a burden lifted off your mind by simply telling someone else about it. Someone who gives you feedback and makes you see things in a different light than perhaps you ever did before. It’s also scary because its so raw. A spotlight is cast and the cause and effect of past events and people in your life becomes evident. And you can choose to either deal with the results of those things or not. There are no right or wrong answers I suppose, only observations.

As I’ve alluded to in my not-so-subtle way, therapy isn’t always fun. To be honest, I usually leave with a headache from thinking so hard and some of the things we discuss are quite stressful. I call them my “therapy headaches”. Sometimes there are tears, sometimes there is frustration, sometimes anger. The really juicy sessions are when all three of those happen at once. Woooo-boy.

Therapy has helped me to actually see myself clearer. As if I’m standing afar off and looking at myself from the outside. Sometimes I like what I see, but more often I don’t. That makes me sad. That gives me pause. And I’m working on it but dammit, it’s hard.

Shrinking of the head may not be for everyone but for me, for right now, it is helping me see things I’d otherwise miss. And so, onward.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

– Joey Adams

Thanks for reading.

Finn

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